


When It Matters

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst, Drama, Episode: s04e22 Commencement, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-06-18
Updated: 2008-06-18
Packaged: 2019-05-15 04:00:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 33,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14783213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: Josh has a PTSD episode following Zoe's kidnapping





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

  
Author's notes: The entire story is "adult," but a lot of parts are and certainly the first chapter. Josh spends a lot of this fic in a dark place. It's definitely not my normal happy Josh.  


* * *

“You said before that I have to ‘get’ Josh....” Amy began. 

“Yeah, that was...” Donna replied. “I don’t mean to say that you don’t...get him.” 

“Are you in love with Josh?” 

Donna was frozen. Everything in her body seemed to tense up. She’d been expertly maneuvered by Amy right into this exact spot, and Donna was reasonably sure there were at least five other people that would have given an arm to be a fly on the wall for this conversation. 

She thought about ignoring the question all together. But anything short of an outright denial was going to give Amy the answer she wanted and Donna wasn’t about to say no. Maybe she wasn’t brave enough to say the words out loud, but she had admitted them to herself a long time ago. 

Three years ago, in fact. 

Instead, she took a different route. She slammed the book she was holding shut and rounded on Amy, her nemesis, the one woman in the world she wished didn’t exist in her life...his life. 

“Are YOU in love with Josh, Amy?” she countered. 

“I’m sorry?” Amy replied. She was definitely surprised by the counterattack. She didn’t think Donna had it in her. Donna, while quirky and intelligent enough, didn’t fight people...except for Josh... and she didn’t rock the boat. In short, she was easy prey. The innocent doe-like assistant that Amy could always count on to back down. The one woman that always seemed to hover on the outskirts of her relationship with Josh. More than once, Amy had gotten the impression that hers and Josh’s relationship would only be as long as Donna allowed it to be, while Josh had seemed oblivious to the influence she’d had over him. 

“You’re the one always chasing him,” Donna continued. “But nothing I’ve seen from you so far shows that you love him. So, I want to know why you bother. Because you’re a power dater and most of the time, so is he?” 

“Josh and I had a relationship that lasted seven months.” Amy replied. “You don’t think I ‘get’ him, Donna? You don’t think I know him?” 

“No, I don’t actually.” she replied. “Not the way he deserves. You know his body, sure. You know some stuff about him that others don’t, but nothing that I don’t already know. And the massive amount of stuff about him that I know and you don’t, Amy, would stop a train. He used to play the piano. Did you know that? He stopped when his sister died. He also can’t stand his birthday.” 

“I know he has nightmares about Rosslyn.” Amy said quietly. It was a direct shot to throw Donna off her game. It worked for a second, too. “And I know what he needs when he wakes up from those nightmares, and I can give it to him.” 

“No, you can’t.” Donna whispered back. “You can’t give him what he needs. You can give him the mindless sex he’s looking for. Something to fill the void in the darkness for a few minutes, but you can’t heal his soul like he needs. When the sex is done, the emptiness is still there in him.” 

“He’s never been that way after sex.” Amy said haughtily. 

“So you can tell.” Donna said with an empty chuckle. “He won’t show you vulnerability; you’ll eat him alive. You’ve already proven to him that your career is more important than any kind of relationship you’ve had with him. You may have had a shot up until that point for him to actually genuinely care about you, but with that one move, everything that came after was just sex. Josh values loyalty over everything else, and you don’t give it to him. In a thousand years, I would never consider betraying him like you did. It took you, what, five seconds after he told you about the marriage incentives to stick a knife in his back?” Donna could see now that she was the one with the upper hand. Amy wasn’t able to win this fight, and she seemed to know it now. When Amy didn’t respond, Donna misinterpreted her silence and continued. “Does it bother you that he tells me stuff like that?” 

“Donna.” came a voice behind them. 

She turned around and Josh and Charlie were standing just inside the bullpen doors. Both men looked devastated, like they were stuck in a night that never ended. Donna knew that look in Josh’s eyes. It was a look she came to hate three years ago. She was instantly in motion to them. Amy followed slowly and hung back. 

“Zoey’s been kidnapped.” Charlie said in a rough voice. “One of her agents was shot and killed outside the club.” 

Donna’s eyes widened in horror. Charlie turned and left the bullpen and she turned her attention back to Josh, who was staring at her with an empty gaze. She brought her hand up to his cheek to try and spark some kind of reaction. 

“I’m going to take you home.” she whispered. She moved to her desk to grab her bag and keys. 

“I’ll take care of it.” Amy offered. When Donna looked up, she saw, much to her dismay, that his gaze was locked with Amy’s and she could cut the tension in air with a knife. Amy was offering Josh the mindless sex Donna had just been talking about. She was offering him the physical release that he wasn’t going to get with Donna. Donna nearly threw up as she saw how close he was to taking Amy up on her offer. She was back between them in a flash, picking up his hand quickly and squeezing. 

“Thanks.” Donna said throwing Amy a fake smile. “I got it.” She turned quickly and tugged him out of the bullpen. She could feel the tension in him mounting as she led him through the gates, through the throng of reporters just outside the gates and hailed a cab. She saw the tense set of his jaw as he looked out the window of the cab silently. 

As they pulled up to his building and she paid the driver, he followed her inside. Once inside his apartment, he finally looked over at her. She was stunned to see anger. He was angry with her. Did he hear what she had said to Amy in the bullpen? Was he angry at her because she interfered with him and Amy? She had never seen him this angry, not even when she had to tell him she lied in her deposition. 

“You don’t need to stay.” he said roughly, then turning away from her. 

“Will you be all right?” she asked tentatively. 

“Are you my mother?” he shot back grabbing his phone off its base. 

“Who are you going to call at two o’clock in the morning?” she asked. 

“God, Donna!” he shouted, his frustration finally boiling over. “Why on Earth did you bring me back here?” 

“You’re going to call Amy?!” she shrieked incredibly. Could she have read him so wrong? Was it her that didn’t get him? Is that really what he wanted and needed and she desperately wanted it to be different? 

He didn’t answer her and she jumped as he hurled the phone across the room. It slammed into the wall and broke part, shattering to the floor. He ran his fingers roughly through his hair and she tentatively moved closer to him. He was pacing in the living room, and she watched. She was scared. She was starting to think she had made a terrible mistake. He was out of control and she didn’t know what was going to happen next. The tension in his head was taking over his body and he DID need the physical release. The tears were building in her eyes and she desperately tried to fight them. 

“I can give you that, Josh.” she whispered. She was as shocked as he was that the words had come out of her mouth, but she knew she was serious. She loved him that much. She loved him so much that she would allow him to use her body to cut through the pain. She found herself walking toward him with a determination that she didn’t know she had, but he stood rock still, firmly planted in his spot and watching her with an intensity she had never seen from him. 

She stopped before him and ran her hands up his chest to his shoulders. She could feel the tension in them, and she massaged gently. “I can give you what you wanted from Amy, Josh.” she said quietly, huskily. “You never turn to me for physical comfort, and I can give you that.” 

With a boldness she never thought she possessed, she took his face in her hands and brought his lips to meet hers. He responded immediately, taking control of the kiss. The flood gates were opened and his lips were demanding and hard on hers. She met the kiss with the same level of desperation. She would do anything at this point to stop his pain; anything to bring her Josh back to her. 

His fingers roughly began unbuttoning her shirt and she dropped her head back, as his lips tensely explored her neck. He lifted his head back up and she made the mistake of meeting his eyes. 

There was nothing there. 

They were empty. There was no anger, no caring, no lust, and no recognition at all. But she had made her bed, so to speak. She had offered herself to him...threw herself at him and practically begged him to do this. Everything could be worse if she stopped. 

His lips were back on hers. She tried to keep her emotions in check. She tried to separate what her heart was feeling from the rest of her body, doing her best to convince herself that it was nothing more than sex. 

Sex with her boss. 

Sex with the man she had spent the better part of five years worshipping and loving. The man that she had dreamed would one day wake up and see her, and touch her, and want to make love with her. 

This wasn’t that man. 

He broke the kiss abruptly and roughly pushed her away from him. She looked at him in surprise. He looked at her in mortification. Tears were in his eyes and he ran a hand down his face. 

“How could you do that?” he asked quietly, finally finding his voice. 

“I want you to stop hurting and you need an outlet for your pain.” she said, allowing the tears to fill her eyes, too. 

“Donna, how could you...” he said again, but broke off, turning away quickly before turning back and demanding again, “Why did you bring me here?!” 

“Because I can’t bear for you to be with her.” she said, crying now. 

“This is nothing, Donna! This is an outlet for all this...rage inside of me.” 

“And you wanted to go to HER with it!” 

“Because tomorrow I wanted to come to YOU!” he shouted back. It was so loud it shook the walls, and was followed by stunned, charged silence. “Tomorrow I wanted to come to you. When it mattered. When you would be the only one that could actually fix it and make it go away. And now I can’t DO that, Donna!” 

“Why, Josh?” she asked freely crying. “Why can’t I do both?” 

“Because sex with Amy is just sex! And if I made love to you like this, Donna, I’d feel it forever. Every time I looked at you, I’d think of it and it would hurt all over again. It would never go away! You would never go away!” 

She felt her throat closing up at his words and the air leave her lungs. He didn’t notice though because he was pacing again and the black rage had hit its limit within him and was exploding out of him. It needed somewhere to go. 

He stopped pacing the same time she managed to pull herself together a bit. She saw the darkness of his gaze. His eyes fell on the window near them. Her body froze. 

“Josh?” she asked cautiously. She could feel her stomach turn over and she watched as he strode purposely for the window and his arm pulled back, ready to throw a punch. 

Before she could think, she launched herself at him like a linebacker and tackled him to the floor using every ounce of her strength. He laid there beneath her stunned. They were breathing hard. The whole of her weight was on top of him, and he was blinking up at the ceiling, looking amazed. 

The last of her resolve fell away, and she sobbed into his shoulder, clinging to him like a life line. After a few seemingly endless moments, his arms came up and crushed her to him, holding her as tightly as he could. 

“Oh my God, Josh!” she cried into his shoulder. 

“I’m so sorry.” he said, not ashamed to shed a few tears of his own. “Are you okay?” 

“Are YOU?” she shot back. 

He nodded quickly. “Please, Donna. Are you all right?” 

“Of course I am.” she smiled lightly. “I had you to break my fall.” She meant it as banter, but the words ended up being more profound than anything else. 

He dropped his head back against the floor and pressed his palms tightly to his eyes, as she slowly slid off him and sat quietly next to him, waiting for the next move from him. When he didn’t appear to be moving at all, she gently pulled his hands from his face and held them, stroking gently with her thumbs. 

She pulled one hand away and gently ran it down his cheek. He stopped it and placed a soft kiss against her palm. He looked at her now with unhindered eyes. Eyes that were too exhausted to hide anything, and too scared of what would happen next, and it was her first reassurance that she hadn’t made a mistake after all. She did know what he needed. He needed her. 

She lay back down alongside of him on the floor, propped up on her elbow. She hoped that he could see she was unhindered, too. The moment was charged and for once, she wasn’t going to fight the draw he had on her. She had gotten through to him and she didn’t want to let go. 

This time, when their lips met, it was soft and tentative, like the one before never happened. She wasn’t even sure herself if he remembered that it had happened. Now, she knew what Leo had once said to her. He told her when Josh blew up in the Oval Office that he wasn’t sure that Josh was even conscious, and now she knew what he was talking about. 

His hand came up into her hair and pulled her closer to him. New tears escaped her eyes, but they were sweet tears, cleansing tears. He rolled them over and swept her beneath him without breaking the kiss, and deepening it when she was beneath him. Her shirt was still unbuttoned from the earlier encounter and she eased herself out of it. His gaze locked with hers a moment before he moved to kiss her bare shoulder. 

She worked his shirt off and ran her hands along his bare chest, her fingers coming to rest on the scar bisecting it. His breathing began to speed up again. He seemed to be growing agitated again as the source of all this aggression that evening, all his pain, and all the confusion, was brought to the forefront. Before he could drift too close to the black hole that had swallowed him up earlier, she placed an open mouthed kiss right in the center of it, directly over his heart. 

He snapped his eyes back to hers and she was smiling at him. She was giving him a smile with so much light that it literally washed over him. She was so bright that it almost hurt to look at her. Almost. 

Her kiss literally made him feel better. He leaned down and gave her a light, sweet kiss. Everything about this evening was surreal. He was positive that this wasn’t real, and that it was just a figment of his overworking imagination, another kick in the gut from his fractured psyche. He was sure his mind was taking over, proving to him that he was powerless over it. 

But, she felt so real to him. And if he was dreaming, or was imagining this whole thing, then at least it should be a good delusion, at least it should go his way. And if she was gone when he woke up later, days later more than likely, since he rarely slept after an episode as harsh as this one, then she would never know just how much she could heal him, even a dream Donna could heal him and make him feel whole. 

She arched against him as his lips made their way down her neck. They traveled the length of her collarbone before drifting down to her as yet, still restrained breasts. He paused for a moment and watched as his thumb ran lightly over the lace there. She moaned softly and his eyes locked with hers again. There was desire there and wonder. 

He reached behind her and unclasped her bra in one snap of his fingers. Keeping her eyes on his, she slid it off and tossed it to join her shirt. His hand had a slight tremble to it, as it slid up and stopped, cupping what he always knew to be perfect breasts. Somehow he knew they’d always feel perfect in his hands. His thumb traced her nipple before he leaned down and gently tugged it into his mouth, bringing his other hand up to her other breast. She let out a long breath that she hadn’t realized she was holding and arched her back to him. Then his hand slid around her back, and he pulled her off the floor to meet him, cradling her there in midair. 

When he finally let her down, she seemed to float. His lips met hers with more hunger and raw need. Her hands slid along his skin, feeling his muscles work and flex as he moved above her with a newfound purpose. Her hands found the button and zipper of his pants. She could feel him toe off his shoes and socks, and she did the same. She slid his pants and boxers down his legs and off, as hers followed. 

She inhaled a deep breath as his eyes drifted along her body. “So beautiful...” he whispered, as he kissed a trail down her body. She felt beautiful under his touch and his gaze. Even though she was still lying on the hard floor, in his arms, she didn’t care. When she realized where his path was taking him, her head snapped up. 

“Josh!” she cried out as his lips hovered just above the one spot that ached the most for him. He paused a moment and smiled up at her, placed a soft kiss on the inside of her thigh, then continued on his original course. She sharply drew in her breath as she felt his lips make contact with her soft, sensitive flesh for the first time. 

Her toes curled and one hand covered her eyes, as the other one curled into his hair. He was intoxicated by the taste of her and enraptured by the way she moved around him. Her moans, hisses, and quiet chants of his name surrounded him like white noise. Finally, he felt her shudder and scream. He crawled above her and she looked dazed, satiated, and happy. She looked beautiful, and she looked at him with so much love that he felt his chest constrict. 

She’d haunted his dreams, as well as his nightmares, for so long. But in his dreams, both good and bad, her face never looked like this. And a moment when he thought he’d have been gloating over his prowess, he’d felt humbled. She ran a finger lightly down his cheek and then pulled his lips down to hers. She could taste herself on him now and it was deliciously erotic. He consumed her and she thought that she couldn’t get close enough to him. 

“Now, Josh.” she whispered, reaching down between them and wrapping her hand around him. 

He groaned and dropped his head into her shoulder. She let her fingers trail up and down, until he pulled her hands away and pinned them by her ears. She looked at him with wide, searching eyes, but he returned her question with a smoldering answer, sliding into her slowly. When she fully surrounded him, he let out a shuddered breath and she clutched him to her. They stayed like that for a long, blissful moment. 

She twisted her arms and legs around him and surrounded him in every way she possibly could. All she had ever wanted was him in her arms. He picked his head up and looked in her eyes. Kissing her deeply, he began to move. 

He lost himself in their rhythm. They were perfect, like he always knew they would be. They grew desperate in their movements, almost needing to prove it was real. She kissed him everywhere she could reach, but he just continued to clutch her like she was his lifeline. Because she was his savior. Once again, she pulled him from the edge, an edge he almost took her over with him and all he wanted was to hold onto her forever. 

She felt the energy building within him. It was seeping out of his pores and creeping over her. She quickened her pace, pushing him towards the release he so desperately sought earlier. They exploded together as she had hoped they would, the sound of their names on each other’s lips. He collapsed on top of her and shifted his weight slightly to the side. 

“Josh?” she said, catching her breath. 

“Mmm?” he replied into her shoulder, hugging her tightly. 

“My butt hurts.” 

He chuckled and rolled them over, right into the table that lined the back of his couch. “Ow! Shit!” he yelped as random contents of the table fell down on him. She chuckled as he brushed keys, mail, and a phone book off his chest. She reached for the dress shirt he’d worn to work that day and pulled it on around herself. He sat up and watched as she buttoned in up a bit. 

When she was finished, she looked over at him and smiled. He took in the image of her sitting next to him, swimming in his shirt. She looked young, and happy, and adorably feminine. He cupped her neck with his hand and pulled her to him in a searing kiss. When he pulled away from her, she looked radiant. She stood up and reached her hand down to him, pulling him up off the floor. 

“I’m going to go, um, get cleaned up. Go get dressed. I’ll be right back.” she directed.   
He watched her as she drifted off into the bathroom. When she reemerged a few minutes later, she saw that he’d only partly followed her instructions. He had on a pair of flannel pants, but was shirtless. He leaned up against the wall and stared out the window, down at the darkened city. Though they couldn’t see it from his apartment, she knew he was looking in the direction of the White House. She didn’t have to turn on CNN to conjure a picture in her mind of what it would look like right now. 

She wrapped her arms around him from behind and pressed a kiss against his shoulder. “Come to bed.” she said softly. 

“Nah, you go.” he said. “I’m not going to be able to sleep for days.” 

“Then just come rest.” 

“It’s happening again, Donna.” he said. 

“I know.” 

“I can feel it; it’s like before.” 

“We’ll stop it, Josh.” 

“How?” he asked turning around in her arms. 

“We’ll talk to Stanley.” she said. “I won’t let that happen to you again.” 

“Donna, if you hadn’t stopped me, I would put my hand through that window again.” he said, looking over to the offending window in question. 

“I did stop you, Josh.” she said quietly. “Maybe Stanley can prescribe you some sleeping pills.” 

“I can’t take sleeping pills now, Donna.” he said. “The President’s daughter is missing. I can’t be unconscious for it. Not to mention, do you know how it would look in the press? The President’s daughter is missing, and during a national crisis, the Deputy Chief of Staff is seeing a shrink and filling prescriptions for sleeping pills.” 

“Listen to me,” she said forcefully, pulling his face in between her hands. “I don’t give a damn how it looks. I’ll have it prescribed to me if I have to. I can’t help you, if you fight me, Josh.” 

“I’m so sorry, Donna.” he whispered, running his fingers through her hair. 

“Don’t do that, Josh. There’s nothing to be sorry for.” 

“Could have brought you to a bed.” he smirked. 

“Instead of ravishing me on the floor?” she smiled back. 

“That’s not what that was.” he said softly. He was smiling, but she knew he was serious. 

“I know.” she said, still unable to lose her grin. “It was better than everything I ever thought it would be.” 

“Me too.” he smiled. 

“Come on.” she tugged on his hand, and he finally followed her. When they climbed into his bed, she saw that it was 4:30 in the morning. She groaned as she realized they only had an hour or two to actually sleep before they had to be up again, and remembered that he was pretty set on the fact that he wasn’t going to be sleeping. 

“Are you going to try to sleep?” she asked as she curled up against him. 

“I’ll lay here, I doubt anything will happen.” 

He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her forehead. She burrowed in closer to him, and in a few minutes she was asleep. He turned gently to her on his side to study her while she slept. There were dark circles under her eyes. Those were his fault. But there was a smile on her lips. That was his doing, too. 

“Donna?” he said softly, but she didn’t react. She had fallen right into a deep exhausted sleep. “If I forget to say it later, Donna, thank you. Thank you for knowing what it is I really need. Thank you for always being there to make sure I don’t go fully crazy. You’re so amazing, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to convey to you how much I love you. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to put into words what you are to me. What I nearly did tonight terrifies me, Donna. Not just the window, but taking you like that and treating you like that. Don’t ever let me do that. I don’t care how desperate you are to help me. I don’t ever want to be in a position where I don’t remember a single second in your arms. I don’t feel bad about telling you these things when you’re sleeping because it’s like you know it all already. You’re kind of creepy like that, Donna. Just...stay with me.” 

He gently pushed the hair out of her face, and she curled into his chest. Throwing his arm and leg over her, he pulled her as close as he could get her and watched her sleep. He watched her for two hours, right up until the time he had to wake her up so they could go to work. 

TBC


	2. When It Matters

“Josh?” Donna called softly. She had been hunting the White House high and low. At first, she checked all the offices with couches. She thought he might have finally crashed on one. He had been going since whatever time he had woken up the day before. She’d only had two hours of sleep herself. But it was two hours of sleep in his arms. She hadn’t felt the least bit rested, but she had felt energized. He was back from the darkness that had threatened to take him yesterday, and though his grip on reality at the moment was tenuous at best, she was pulling him back. 

She had also successfully avoided Amy for most of the day. And since he’d been in meetings with CJ, Toby, Leo and Will most of the day, Donna knew that Amy hadn’t had the chance to see him. Not that Donna thought she wasn’t going to try. 

She had found him finally in the Map Room, of all strange places for him to be. Not that she was worried about anyone really seeing him here. All tours had obviously been suspended and no one who didn’t work in the building had been allowed in. All meetings were canceled, and visitor passes had been revoked. The only people who would see him in here were the people that worked here. 

“What are you doing in here?” she asked softly, crossing the room to where he was sitting on the couch with one arm draped along the back of it. She sat down as close to him as she dared in the White House. He pointed up to the wall across from him where President Kennedy’s portrait hung over a fireplace. 

“You know, every President has horrible things they have to face. Events that later become infamous.” he started in a hoarse voice. “But, I don’t know if anyone had quite the terrifying presidency John F. Kennedy did. Other presidents had wars, other presidents healed the country after it was attacked, put it back together again in some cases. But, President Kennedy stared down annihilation, Donna. We were hours from a nuclear attack.” 

“Not that there needs to be, but is there a point?” she asked playfully tossing the question he often asked her to him. 

“He didn’t give up.” Josh said flatly. 

The smile dropped from her face and she shook her head. “No.” 

“Yes.” 

“He’s invoking the 25th?” 

“Sshh.” he hushed though no one was around to hear it. “No one’s going to know until after it’s done.” 

“Walken?” she asked in disbelief. 

“He’s next.” Josh shrugged. 

“You don’t think he should do it?” 

“Doesn’t matter. He made the decision completely on his own. He didn’t even ask for Leo’s opinion. He just gave Leo instructions and rounded us all up.” 

“When’s it happening?” 

“As soon as Walken gets here.” 

“How do you feel?” she asked after a pause. 

“Disgusted.” 

“No the other thing.” 

“Tired.” 

“When it’s done, we’ll leave.” she nodded. “You’re not going to want to be here anyway.” 

“Donna,” he said with a mirthless laugh. “I think of all the horrible times to leave this building, it would be when the Republican leadership is running a Democratic administration; don’t you think?” 

She didn’t like the dark tone to his words, but they weren’t a surprise. He didn’t mean them she knew, but right now, he did. She recognized all of this. 

“Did you talk to Stanley today, Josh?” she asked dropping the volume of her voice. 

“I called, but he wasn’t in. When he called back, I was in a meeting.” 

“I could have pulled you out of it, if you’d have him call back on my line.” she was a little annoyed that he knew she was worried, but kept her out of the loop anyway, either using his private line or his cell to call Stanley from. 

“I didn’t want to be pulled out, Donna.” he said. “Whether or not the President of the United States should step down as President of the United States, I think takes precedence over a call to my shrink.” 

“It doesn’t, Josh.” she insisted. “And it didn’t matter anyway because he made the decision without you guys. Anything of vital importance, Josh, they’ll wait for you to weigh in on. After all, you’re constantly reminding me about how important you are. I’ll go over your head if I have to.” 

She realized that she probably wouldn’t have made that threat if she wasn’t so damn tired, and if he wasn’t such a zombie himself, and in his normal state of mind, he wouldn’t have reacted the way he did. But, as it stood... 

“You know last night, you accused Amy of taking all of five seconds to stab me in the back.” he said rising off the couch and looking down at her, as, ironically, Amy herself entered the room. “It took you less than 24 hours.” 

She stared up at him stunned by the venom and accusation in his voice. 

“Josh, can I talk to you for a few minutes?” Amy asked. Donna pulled her hurt gaze away from his over to Amy. Amy glanced down at Donna and Donna could see victory in Amy’s face. She watched in devastation as Josh turned and followed Amy out of the room. 

Donna looked around the warmly lit Map Room in complete shock. Did that just happen? Did he really have so little respect for her that he just left her to go with Amy? Amy ran the East Wing. There was absolutely nothing of any importance that she had to talk to him about. 

Slowly, trembling, she rose off the couch and left the room by the opposite door. 

Meanwhile, Josh had followed Amy over to the East Wing, catching sight of the television monitors as he walked. There was endless looping of pictures of the Bartlet family, and live coverage of the White House itself, with no activity around it. The building they were showing on television looked eerie to him, ghost like. If he wasn’t inside it at that very moment, he’d probably believe nothing was happening within its walls. 

He’d believe nothing of historical significance was about to happen as soon as the Speaker of the House was inside. He wondered if the cameras would catch Walken arriving. 

When they approached Amy’s office, he walked in ahead of her and turned around to face her once he was a few feet into the room. She pushed the door shut, grabbed him by the shirt, and attached her lips to his. He was stunned, and didn’t react at first, but then pulled back. 

“I think I can relieve this tension for you.” she whispered huskily as she moved to try to unbutton his shirt. He stepped back and moved out of her reach. 

“No.” 

“Last night, Josh, you were very obviously of a different opinion.” she said. “I know that look in your eyes. I know how you look at me when you want me.” 

“You were misunderstood.” 

“Come on,” Amy scoffed. “You went home with Donna last night. It’s not like you got anything from her.” He stared at her, his eyes widening a bit. “Or did you?” Amy asked. “Did you finally sleep with your secretary, J?” 

“You’re out of line, Amy.” he said evenly. 

“I’m your ex-girlfriend, Josh, a woman you frequently take to bed when the mood and stress strikes you. You’re denying me now, and Donna took you home last night. Tell me you finally turned into *that guy*, Josh. Tell me you finally became the guy to have an affair with your secretary. You’re so adamant that nothing touch her, nothing get through this little bubble of niceness you stick around her. God, seeing you like that must have been quite the shock for little Bambi. Did she run screaming or was she a real woman about it?” 

He took two steps back in her direction and leveled his gaze menacingly on her. “Stay away from her.” he threatened in a low growl, a tone Amy had never heard before. Her eyes widened slightly and watched as he turned and slammed out of the office. 

He moved quickly through the corridors of the East Wing and through the crossover hall before coming upon the main lobby and all out running through the bullpen and back to his office, where he knew she’d be. She was sitting in a visitor’s chair silent, staring out the dark window. He pushed the door shut, locked it, and stood just inside the office. He made no move to get any closer and when Donna heard his hard breathing, she stood up and slowly turned to him. 

He could immediately see that she had been crying. 

“That was fast.” she said with no emotion whatsoever. 

“Donna, I....” he started, but trailed off. 

“You’re sorry?” she asked as he dumbly nodded his head. “I know.” She took a few steps toward him and stood before him, gently laying her hand on his arm. “Let me guess, she didn’t actually have to talk to you about anything.” 

“How’d you know?” he said with irony. 

“There’s lipstick on your face.” she replied tonelessly raising her hand and removing the offending mark. 

“I didn’t kiss her.” he said immediately. “Donna, I didn’t do anything.” 

“You look a little disheveled there, Joshua.” 

“It was her!” 

“How am I supposed to be there for you, Josh, if you push me away? How am I supposed to know what’s going on, if you shut me out?” 

“I’m sorry.” he said adamantly. He ran his hands up into his hair and kept them there. He stared at her for a minute, and Donna thought that he really was looking through her. “Half the time, I have no idea what I’m saying. All I know is, this is what happened before. I had no control over the things I said, and the things I did, and I didn’t even remember half of it.” 

“If you don’t remember things, Josh, how do you know you didn’t just kiss Amy?” she asked softly. 

“God, Donna, I don’t.” he choked. 

She nodded her head twice and pulled his cell phone off his desk and dialed Stanley’s number from memory. She pulled his hand and led him to his chair as she listened to the line ring. 

“Stanley Keyworth’s office; Sherry speaking.” 

“Yes, this is Donna Moss. I need to speak with Dr. Keyworth immediately.” Donna said. 

“I’m sorry, Ms. Moss, Dr. Keyworth’s unavailable right now. Are you a patient?” the voice on the other end of the phone asked, and Donna thought the girl must be new. 

“No. I’m calling for Joshua Lyman.” Donna replied. “It’s an emergency. I need Dr. Keyworth now.” 

“I’m sorry, ma’am.” The voice said with no trace of apology. “I can’t interrupt Dr. Keyworth while he’s in session with another patient.” 

“Let me put it to you another way, Sherry.” Donna hissed insistently into the phone. Josh raised his eyebrows at her tone of voice. It was a tone that he’d never heard from her before. “This is Donna Moss from the White House. You may be watching us on CNN right now. It’s an emergency. Give. Me. Dr. Keyworth. Now.” 

“Hold please.” the woman said a bit snidely. Donna reached down and ran her fingers a few times through Josh’s hair and he looked up at her, almost gratefully. He closed his eyes and dropped his head back against the chair. 

“Donna?” came Stanley’s soothing voice from the other end of the phone. 

“Oh, thank God, Stanley.” Donna said breathlessly and Josh’s eyes snapped open. “Everything here has gone to hell. The President is invoking the 25th and Josh is completely imploding.” 

“Donna!” Josh yelped, sitting straight up and motioning for the phone. 

Stanley chuckled a bit at Donna’s drama. “I’m sure it’s not as bad as you think. Let me talk to Josh.” 

She handed the phone down to him and he snatched it from her fingers. “I can’t believe you said that to him.” he said. 

“You are imploding, Josh.” Donna said. “What the hell have we’ve been talking about for the past 24 hours?” 

“Not that. The other thing!” he hissed. 

“He’s going to see it on CNN in a few hours.” 

Josh gave her a pointed look and put the phone to his ear. “Yeah, Stanley, I think I’m imploding.” 

“What’s the matter?” Stanley asked. 

“Everything.” 

“I’m going to go get you some water.” Donna said softly leaning down and then kissing Josh on the cheek before disappearing from his office. 

“Josh, it sounded like Donna just kissed you.” 

“She did.” 

“Okay. I think I better go and make sure my other patient is comfortable.” 

Donna closed the door softly, immediately feeling better just by the fact that Josh was now on the phone with Stanley. She turned to go get Josh a bottle of water and almost ran right in to Leo. 

“I need him.” Leo said without preamble. 

“He can’t come right now.” Donna said blocking the door. 

“Excuse me?” Leo asked incredulously. “Donna, the President of the United States is stepping down and I’m in no mood for games.” 

“He’s on the phone with Stanley, Leo.” Donna said lowering her voice. Leo’s eyes widened and she could tell he was wondering if she was really telling the truth or trying to cover something else. “Have you looked at him at all since last night, Leo? He’s a mess. He doesn’t remember things he’s done, he hasn’t slept since he woke up whenever that was yesterday, and I know none of us really have, but he literally hasn’t.” Leo was about to speak, but Donna cut him off, lowering her voice even more. “Leo, if I hadn’t literally tackled him to the floor last night, he would have put his hand through another window.” 

“Oh, Donna.” Leo said with a sigh. 

“He told me last night it felt just like the last time.” 

“That happened fast.” 

“Not really. Someone shot at the White House last week.” 

“Oh, God.” Leo breathed. “That’s right. He said he was fine.” 

“He obviously lied. He’s on with Stanley now, Leo.” Donna repeated. “If the President isn’t doing it right this minute, please let him stay on the phone. I beg you, Leo.” 

Leo looked at her for a long moment then sighed. “Margaret will come when it’s time.” Without another word, Leo turned and left the bullpen. Donna let out a sigh of relief and moved over to the coffee station, pulled open the refrigerator and grabbed a bottle of water. She walked over to her desk and pulled out some Bayer for him, too, just for good measure. As she turned to go back to his office, she nearly collided with Amy. 

“Hello, Donna!” Amy greeted sweetly. 

“Amy.” Donna nodded. Amy was the last person on the planet she wanted to see. “Something I can do for you?” 

“I was just coming to see if Josh wanted to pick up where we left off in my office. It was getting kind of hot.” Amy purred. Donna could tell that Amy was trying to get a rise out of her, and given Donna’s exhaustion it was pretty easy to do. Josh couldn’t remember exactly what he had just done with Amy. Give the short length of time they’d been separated, she knew nothing too drastic, but still, there was enough in Amy’s tone and Josh’s admission that she still cringed. 

“He’s on a call right now and he can’t be interrupted. After that, he’s got Leo.” Donna said robotically. “He’s got no time for extracurricular activities. Nobody on this side of the building does.” 

Amy’s eyes squinted a bit at Donna’s dig, but she wouldn’t rise to the bait. She could already see that she was getting under Donna’s skin. 

“Is that what you call it, Donna?” Amy smiled. “That had to hurt before, huh? You guys finally succumb to this ridiculous lust of yours in a moment of extreme weakness on Josh’s part, the very next day, as soon as he’s feeling better, he comes running right back to me. After all these years of pining for him, God, Donna, that’s got to hurt. Of course, any time people get together under heightened emotional circumstances, someone’s bound to walk away with a broken heart.” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Donna said lamely moving around Amy. 

“Oh yes, you do.” Amy said stopping Donna at the door and putting her arm across the archway. “You’re having an affair with your boss. It’s okay to admit it, I know. The guilt’s written all over your face. You might as well just walk around with a big old scarlet letter on. The press will destroy him, you know, taking advantage of the President’s misfortune to start an affair with his secretary. The really sad thing is, he’s deluded himself into thinking he loves you. And so he’ll let the press crucify him because he thinks you can fix him. He thinks that you’re worth it. That fall off the pedestal’s going to be a rough one when he figures out you can’t.” 

Donna slowly turned her head towards Amy, she flipped Amy’s arm off the threshold, almost causing Amy to lose her balance, and pushed by her, slamming the door in Amy’s face. The force of the slam startled Josh, and he looked up at her in alarm, just as he snapped his cell phone shut. 

“What the hell happened?” he asked. 

“You’re done already?” she replied. 

“He’s going to call me back a little later.” Josh replied. “What happened?” 

“Nothing.” Donna said quickly shaking her head. 

“Donna, you just slammed into my office.” 

“I’m having a rough day, Josh.” she snapped in reply. 

“I’m sorry.” he instantly apologized. 

Donna saw the sad look on his face and sighed defeated. She was so tired. Amy probably wouldn’t have gotten to her so much if she’d had more than two hours of sleep. “No, I’m sorry.” she said, lowering her voice and softening her tone. “It’s not your fault.” she moved over to his desk and put down the water, then held out the two pills. Not having to ask what they were, he popped them into his mouth and washed them down with the water. 

He looked up at her face and his heart broke when he saw the silent tears overflowing. He hopped out of his seat, and pulled her into his arms. “I’m sorry for putting you through this, Donna. I’m so sorry.” 

“It’s not you. It’s the guys that kidnapped Zoey, Josh.” she said, latching onto to him. “You haven’t done anything wrong.” 

“I’m not sure I’ve done anything right either.” he mumbled. 

“Yes, you did.” she said smiling softly and cupping his cheek. “You did last night right.” 

“I’m not so sure.” he said, glancing over her shoulder. 

“What do you mean?” 

“Donna, I almost put my hand through a window again.” he replied. 

“No, I meant the other stuff.” she said shaking her head. “You did that right.” 

“Yeah?” he smiled. 

“Mmm-hmm.” she nodded. 

“Well, if we ever get out of here, maybe I could shoot for even better.” 

“I think that just might kill me.” she said. He laughed and kissed her on her forehead. “Don’t freak out, but I told Leo.” she hedged. 

His eyes widened. “About us?” 

“About the other thing.” she said sheepishly then started to ramble. “I’m sorry, Josh. He wanted you for something, and I didn’t want you to get off the phone yet. And at first, I think he thought I was just making stuff up, but I told him, and then he said you could take all the time you needed, and that Margaret would come get you when the Speaker gets here. I know you’re going to be livid, and I’m sorry, except I’m kind of not.” 

“It’s okay, Donna.” he nodded. 

“Really?” she asked wide eyed. “Because before you said...” 

“Donna, remember when I said that I didn’t know half the things that were coming out of my mouth?” he asked, and she nodded. “Whatever you’re about to say was probably one of them. I swear, I’m not mad you told Leo. I know how hard it is for you to do that.” 

“Really?” 

“Really.” 

She folded herself into his chest and he hugged her tightly, rubbing her back gently. “What’d Stanley say?” 

“He’s prescribing sleeping pills.” 

“They’re just sleeping pills, Josh.” Donna said. “Trouble sleeping is not indicative of a man that can’t do his job.” 

“Yeah? What about refilling the Propranolol?” 

“There are laws to protect against them saying things, Josh.” Donna replied. 

“$100,000 would cover someone’s legal fees, and they’d still make out, Donna.” Josh replied. 

“He could prescribe it to me.” she suggested. 

“That’s admirable, Donna. But not only is that illegal, but Stanley’s not that kind of shifty therapist.” Josh continued. “It’s why I like him.” 

“It’s why I like you, too.” she whispered. 

“Is that only why?” 

“Not remotely.” she said with a stifled yawn, and he instantly felt horrible. She could say what she wanted, but she was exhausted tonight because of him. She could have gone home last night like everyone else her position and under, but she waited for him. She waited for him, got into an altercation with Amy, then an altercation with him, then had mind exploding sex, and had two hours of sleep and then he’d been a basketcase all day. How she was still standing at all eluded him. 

“Let me take you home when the thing’s done.” he whispered, rubbing his hands up and down her biceps. “Let me take care of you for a change.” 

“That sounds nice.” she smiled dreamily. 

“Josh?” came Margaret’s voice outside the door. Donna stepped away from Josh and he called for Margaret to enter. “It’s time.” Margaret announced. 

“All right.” Josh said. “I’ll be right there.” 

“It’ll take him a little while to get over there.” Margaret nodded. “We had to bring him through the back because the front is crawling with reporters.” 

“Kay.” Josh said. 

Margaret left the room and he turned back to Donna, but she stared at him. She was wide eyed and she looked horrified. 

“Josh!” she said in a hushed, harsh tone. “We can’t leave together. There are reporters out front!” 

“It’s okay, Donna.” he laughed. “We leave together all the time. Besides, I can handle a few rumors. You’re worth it.” 

TBC


	3. When It Matters

Donna followed Josh into his apartment late that night. Speaker Walken was now officially President Glen Allen Walken. Josh told her it was the most surreal moment of his life. What really made it nuts was as President Walken stood in the Oval Office and President Bartlet left, Josh found himself daring to believe that Walken truly wished to only ride this particular storm out, and wanted nothing to do with staying in office. He didn’t bat an eye when he was reminded that he wouldn’t be able to return to position of Speaker or Congressman after the crisis was over. 

Could it be that there was a Republican out there that simply wanted to serve his country to the best of his ability? Up until that evening, Josh could have sworn that was some kind of oxymoron, but Walken, though stepped faithfully up to the plate and seemed almost inconvenienced by the office of the Presidency. 

Josh dropped everything he was holding right where he was standing. He turned to Donna and likewise plucked her bags off her shoulders and dropped them next to his. He pulled her into his arms and she rested his head deliriously on his shoulder. She had passed exhaustion hours ago. He rubbed her back and placed a long kiss on her forehead. When she didn’t respond, he nudged her a bit. 

“Donna?” 

Nothing. 

“Donna?” 

“Hmm?” she asked responding to his gentle tapping on her shoulder. 

“Did you just fall asleep standing up?” he laughed incredulously. “We’ve gone without less sleep than this!” 

“I know!” she said apologetically. “I just… I don’t know. I guess the emotional stuff that’s gone along with it all has made it more draining or something. I’m really sorry.” 

“No. I’M sorry.” He said. “How long do you think you can stay awake for?” 

“What about Stanley?” 

“Stanley’s three hours behind us.” Josh said dismissively. “And, Donna, I’m not sleeping tonight either. I can talk to him later.” 

“Josh.” 

“Donna, there’s no way we can get a prescription filled until tomorrow anyway.” Josh reasoned. “It’s not that I do this by choice. I’m going by past experience. I’m exhausted, but I’m not going to be able to sleep either.” 

She looked up at him through droopy eyes and smiled lazily. “I could tire you out.” She offered. 

“Enticing.” He smiled with a small chuckle. “Believe me, it really is. But I don’t think you’re actually capable of it at the moment. Not that I don’t have full faith in your abilities, you could probably do a job on me by just getting naked and standing there…” 

“Josh?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Shut up.” 

“Kay.” He smiled. “You didn’t answer my question.” 

“There was a question in there?” 

“Before. How long do you think you can stay awake for?” 

“How long do you need me to stay awake for?” she countered. 

“Cute.” He smiled. “This is about you, remember? I was going to take care of you tonight.” 

“Well, we already got dinner, so I don’t need to be fed.” She ticked off. 

“Check.” He agreed. 

“Um…that just leaves bed.” 

“I’m good with bed.” He whispered huskily before pulling her earlobe into his mouth and she moaned in response. “But what I really thought about was a nice warm bath and a massage.” 

“With you?” she groaned into his shoulder as his hands began to kneed hers. 

“Yes. Of course with me. What’d you think I’d do?” 

She smiled. He was almost indignant by the thought that he wouldn’t join her. “I don’t know.” She said, nuzzling his neck. He plucked her off her feet and she wrapped her arms around his neck and sighed into his shoulder. 

“All right.” He relented. “I want you to actually remember me being so nice to you, so we’ll do the bath massage thing tomorrow night. Tonight, I’m just going to bring you to bed.” 

“Mmm…bed…” 

He sat her down on his bed and helped her get changed, constantly trying to squelch the urge to push her back and have his way with her. She was just so damn cute, and so damn trusting. When she was finally changed, he tucked her in under the covers, kissed her softly and shut off the light. 

“Josh?” she asked into the darkness. 

“Yeah?” 

“This isn’t…” she trailed off and was quiet. He almost thought she fell asleep. 

“Isn’t what?” 

“Just, like, heightened emotional circumstances, right?” she asked quietly, and he could hear her fighting tears. 

“What?” 

“It’s real, right?” she asked again. “You really want to be with me, right?” 

His stomach turned over and his breath caught in his chest. She thought she was a passing phase; something to get him through a tough time. She had asked that she be the one to give him the physical comfort he had needed, and now she thought that’s all she was? 

“No, Donna.” He said quickly moving back to her side. “It’s real. WE’RE real. We’re the real thing. I’ve wanted to be with you since about five minutes after I met you.” 

“Um…I don’t think it’s been that long.” 

“I think it has.” 

“It’s just, Amy said…” 

“Don’t listen to anything Amy said.” He snapped. 

“O -- okay.” She stuttered. 

“I’m sorry.” He said quickly. “It’s just she’s pissed and spiteful, and she’ll say things just to be mean, Donna. When you see her coming, please just go the other way. I don’t want her to plant some stupid idea in your head…” 

“Some of what she said was true, Josh.” Donna said earnestly. “About the press? It’ll be nothing but bad press for you.” 

“Who said there would be any press?” 

“Josh…” 

“Donna, this all happened last night.” He sighed. “All I know is, everything is falling down around my ears, and you’re the only thing stable enough for me to hold onto. I finally have you where I’ve always wanted you, and I don’t want to let you go. Ever. I haven’t thought about the press, or Leo, or the President, or our parents, or anything else. I’ve thought about what’s happening to me, and I’ve thought about you. And when I think about you, Donna, there’s a light on in the darkness, just like there’s always been. It’s always been you that I got better for, because you wanted it, and you know I’ve always been too powerless to not give you something you want.” 

When he heard her sniffle, he stretched out next to her and gathered to his chest again. “The only answer I have right now, Donna, is that I want to be with you. That’s it. That’s all I know.” 

“I want to be with you, too.” She said through her tears. 

“Then we’ll figure the rest out. Okay?” 

He felt her nod in the dark and then he felt her hands on his face, drawing him to her. She kissed him frantically, looking for the physical reassurance to match his words. For someone so exhausted, she was certainly awake now, pulling desperately at his clothes and pulling hers off. They’d only made love the one time the night before, and so he easily matched her desperation and desire. She was even ready for him once her clothes were off and they skipped the foreplay part all together, as she perched herself above him and slid down around him. 

He groaned as he felt her surround him completely, and his eyes rolled back into his head. The feelings she elicited from him made him speechless. He still couldn’t believe the way she seemed to need him as much as he needed her, and the way she responded to his touch. He was touching her everywhere, as she moved above him, glorious with only the moonlight to illuminate her even the slightest bit. 

She called out his name as her orgasm slammed through her and he caught her to his chest when she fell forward, kissing her face repeatedly as she panted for breath. He felt her tears on his shoulder and he rolled to his side to gather her into his arms like he did the night before. 

“Go to sleep, Donna.” He said softly. “Don’t cry for me, and don’t cry for us. I’ll be right here.” 

“You said you were going to call Stanley.” She said curling down into the welcome feeling of his embrace. 

“I will, in a little while. It’s not too late out there.” 

He stroked her hair and eventually, her breathing evened out. He glanced over at the clock. It was possible she could get a whole six hours of sleep in before he had to wake her up, hardly a windfall to make up for the night before. He wondered if he could convince her to take a nap on someone’s couch tomorrow. He doubted it. He knew her well enough to know that it was unlikely she was going to be at all agreeable to leaving his side right now. 

He smiled and rubbed his cheek against her forehead, reveling in the very thought that she was here, naked in his bed. His sweet, funny, charismatic, beautiful, and a little terrifying, Donnatella, in his bed, in his arms. 

And the entire time, he was breaking down. He tried to stop the thoughts when they surfaced, but he couldn’t. The only difference between this time and the last time was that they were snapshots now and not whole moving scenes. They were images burned in his brain. The look on Toby’s face when he found him; the look on Donna’s face when he woke up and first got to see her; the look on Donna’s face each time he hurled ugly insults at her. When that surfaced, he tried to remember her face when he’d said something nice to her, when her inner glow burst right out of her. 

It wasn’t easy. 

But he kept her within touching distance over the last 24 hours to help him and that seemed to work. 

Amy had strategically used the three words he had dreaded anyone at all saying to him. 

Heightened emotional circumstances. 

It was part of the reason he had been reluctant at first to call Stanley at all. He didn’t want Stanley to tell him that this thing with Donna was a bad idea. Of course, Stanley didn’t say that. And Josh suspected now that Stanley would never say that. Stanley was the only one in the world, other than Josh himself, who knew what Donna meant to him. 

Stanley had gotten that out of Josh pretty early on. He had said that he was going to refer Josh to another therapist, but Josh never allowed that, choosing instead to continue to call Stanley for a while. It started as once a week, but eventually tapered off as Josh got a tighter reign on things. It had only been Josh’s second phone session when Stanley really started to pry about Donna. Josh, of course, skirted the issue for nearly 45 minutes before finally giving in and admitting his feelings for her. Stanley had warned Josh then about not putting Donna in a light she didn’t belong in. It was easy for Josh to want to cling to her because she had taken care of him, and very obviously cared about him. Plus, she was there, and she was willing. He cautioned Josh to tread lightly with her, and so he always had. 

And so Josh was afraid of what Stanley would say about the change in their relationship, but he had nothing negative to say. He must have seen it coming over the years. Josh did. He knew that they were on a track towards each other. It was pretty hard to miss. But he never imagined them getting together because he cracked up and she threw herself at him. 

He didn’t remember that, thank God. He knew it happened, but didn’t remember it. He could never kiss Donna the way he had kissed Amy. The problem was though, he hadn’t *always* kissed Amy like that. In the beginning, it had been out of lust and mutual attraction. It wasn’t until she betrayed him with the marriage incentives thing that he had lost all feeling for her. 

Donna wouldn’t betray him, despite whatever ugly thing he may have said to her earlier. She would never hurt him deliberately for professional gain. Her loyalty was to the bone. Her allegiance was always to him first, and then the President. In the beginning, he had actually tried to discourage that from her, he explained to her over and over why it was important to put the President first, even though she didn’t work directly for him. 

But then Rosslyn came and he never said anything about it again. The devotion he was told she showed in the hospital was far beyond anything he had ever expected from her, and he knew he could talk until he was blue in the face and it would do no good. So he had accepted it unconditionally, and through that, they grew deeper. 

It was that unconditional trust that got them through Cliff Calley and the diary incident. That unconditional trust that made him throw himself in front of Leo when he wanted to know how Josh had gotten hooked up with Cliff when the deal for the joint resolution was offered. Of course, Leo had gotten copies of the depositions, and right in the beginning of the transcript of Donna’s, Cliff had said that he wanted the record to reflect that they had seen each other socially. So, if Leo had read the transcripts, and knowing him, he probably did, he already knew how that happened. Yet, Josh threw himself in front of Donna anyway. 

He carefully disentangled himself from her, she barely stirred, got dressed and went into the living room for his call to Stanley. Stanley had told him earlier he wasn’t imploding and then yelled at him for discontinuing the medication. This was why Josh liked Stanley and why the President liked Stanley. Stanley didn’t give a shit who you were. The President told Josh that he didn’t even think Abbey talked to him the Stanley did. Stanley was a straight shooter with a very low tolerance for bull shit, much like Josh himself. 

Sighing, Josh picked up his cell and dialed Stanley’s number. 

“What are you, squeezing me in before you go to bed?” Stanley greeted. 

“I’m not going to bed.” Josh replied. 

“You’re not even going to try?” 

“Well, Donna’s in there, so yeah, I’m not going to pass up that chance, if you call that trying…” 

“I don’t.” Stanley replied. “You know, it’s not as early here as you think.” 

“It’s not? What time is it?” 

“11 o’clock at night.” 

“Stuff happened tonight.” 

“I saw. President Walken?” 

“Don’t make me throw up.” Josh replied. “I’ve got enough problems.” 

“You’re in luck, Josh.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“I’ve been summoned to the White House.” Stanley replied. “I leave for the airport in an hour.” 

“See! You were up anyway.” 

“You want to talk in person?” 

“Well, yeah. But I think you’ll have bigger fish to deal with.” 

“You’re a pretty big fish, Josh.” 

“Why, thank you.” 

“You said Donna’s there?” 

“Yeah.” Josh said cringing now. 

“How’s that going?” 

“She’s amazing, she’s always amazing.” Josh said quickly. “Do you know what she did?” 

“What?” 

“You know how I told you I almost put my hand through a window again?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Well, it was an almost because of her.” Josh said, softening her voice. “She tackled me to floor like a football player. Hurt too. I didn’t know she had that kind of strength.” 

“Donna was there for it?” 

“Donna’s been there for the whole thing, Stanley.” Josh said quietly. “The whole messy, mortifying, embarrassing thing.” 

“That was probably fairly terrifying for her.” 

“Yeah, I think it was.” 

“You think? Did you ask her?” 

“She said she was scared.” Josh shrugged, though Stanley couldn’t see it. “Stanley, you’re not going to tell me, me and Donna are a bad idea?” 

“Well, Josh, normally I would. Normally, I would tell patients that starting a relationship with someone while going through something as mentally, physically, and emotionally taxing as this is not, in fact, a good idea. But you and Donna didn’t just meet. This is not new territory for her. And really, you two have been in a relationship a lot longer than you think. You’ve just added the physical part of it. So, yes. That’s the textbook answer, but as usual, for you, the textbook gets thrown out the window.” 

“Good.” Josh breathed out dropping down onto the couch. 

“So, do you want to talk more, or do you think we can pick this up tomorrow?” Stanley asked. 

“I can talk to you tomorrow.” Josh said. 

“You sure? I have a driver for the airport.” 

“I’ll call back if I have to.” 

“Now, that the terrifying part is out of the way.” Stanley said dryly. 

“What terrifying part?” 

“You waited so long to call me because you thought I was going to tell you that you and Donna were a bad idea and you were going to have to give her up.” Stanley replied. 

“Stanley, are you Kreskin?” 

“I’ll never tell.” 

“I have pretty high security clearance, Stanley, you can tell me.” 

“I’ll see you in the morning, Josh.” Stanley chuckled and Josh disconnected the call. 

He tossed his cell phone onto the kitchen table as he headed back to the bedroom, stopping in bathroom along the way. He caught sight of himself in the mirror and had to actually remind himself he was the person standing there. The man looking back at him looked old, haggard, and drawn. Not to mention tired as hell. 

He walked into the bedroom and stopped in the doorway, watching Donna sleep in his bed. He envied her. He envied her for a thousand different reasons right now. First of all, she was sleeping; secondly, she wasn’t cracking up. He stretched out on the bed next to her, but remained a few inches away. He ran a light finger along her face, hooking a piece of hair behind her ear, then, trailed the finger over her shoulder and down her arm. 

Her eyes fluttered open and she watched him. 

“Are you okay?” she asked. 

“Why are you here?” he replied, furrowing his forehead. 

“I’m sorry?” she replied confused. 

“You could have gone home last night and gone to sleep. You could have gone home tonight and gone to sleep. But instead, you chose to literally put yourself in danger.” 

“I’m not in any danger with you. I’m where I want to be, Josh.” She replied. “And last night, I was where I was supposed to be. Trust me, for a while there I thought I made a horrible mistake.” 

“You didn’t.” 

“Yeah, but it looked like I did for a while.” 

“You saved me again.” 

“You save me all the time.” 

“That’s not true.” 

“Yes.” She smiled. “It is.” 

“Well, I do that because I love you.” He said simply. It was easy to say now, since he had said it already the night before. 

She smiled slowly, and he felt himself go warm all over. “Now ask me again why I do it.” 

“Why do you do it?” 

“Because I love you.” 

He reached out and slid her the small distance to him, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her deeply. 

“Don’t ever stop, please.” 

“That’s unlikely.” 

TBC


	4. When It Matters

“Is he in?” CJ called to Donna as she was about to walk into Josh’s office through his closed door. 

Donna dove at his door to block CJ’s entrance. “You can’t go in there now.” Donna said, wedging herself between CJ and the door. 

“Why not?” 

“He can’t be disturbed.” 

“Is he in a meeting?” 

“No.” 

“Then why can’t he be disturbed?” 

Donna looked CJ right in the eye and lied. “You know very well that sometimes he works on stuff for Leo that none of us are allowed to know anything about.” 

CJ stared at Donna for a long moment. “Donna, what’s going on?” CJ asked. 

“Nothing.” 

“Come on, Donna.” CJ said. “He looks like he hasn’t slept in days. I mean, I know we’re all working on very little sleep, but he’s something else all together. I’m sorry to say, you don’t look much better. Amy’s breathing fire across the building and she’s been in my face since yesterday.” 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Donna said. “I was told not to let anyone in.” 

CJ continued to study Donna. Josh may not have the best poker face, but Donna’s was flawless. And Donna covered for Josh well. There was no better formidable force in the White House than Donna. It was cake to get past Carol and Ginger and Bonnie, you could easily distract Margaret and get past her. Charlie and Debbie were trickier; they sat outside the Oval Office and CJ didn’t really consider them to be on the same level as the rest of the support staff. 

But NOBODY got past Donna. If she had it in her head that Josh wasn’t to be disturbed, nobody got through. As evidenced by this very moment, she would literally put herself between Josh and the person intent on disturbing him, if need be. CJ had it on good authority that Donna had even managed to waylay Leo at times, too. Donna’s protectiveness ran more than just what she was paid to do. In fact, Josh rarely hid. He didn’t hide from members of Congress, he didn’t hide from the President, and he didn’t hide from CJ, even if he knew something unpleasant was about to happen. So, when he actually did, there was no getting to him. 

“He kind of looks like he did a couple of Christmases ago.” CJ tried. “In fact, you’ve got that look to you, too, Donna. It’s hard to forget your friends looking like that.” CJ had stressed the word friends, but Donna still wasn’t falling for it. 

“No deal, CJ. He’ll come find you when he’s available.” Donna said firmly. “You don’t like it, go take it up with Leo.” 

Donna knew that this would be the end of the argument now. Leo’s job was tough at the moment, to put it mildly, and no one was going to bother him now with trivial things. 

“All right, fine.” CJ finally relented. She headed back to her office, but stopped and turned back just in time to see Donna disappear into Josh’s office. She wondered what Josh could possibly be doing in his office now that no one else could know about, especially during a crisis like this one. The building was crawling with the Republican leadership, the staff needed access to Josh and Leo and Josh was in some kind of secret hiding at the moment. CJ went back to her office and decided to try again in a little while. Donna had to get up sometime. 

As it was, Josh was actually sleeping in his office. Donna had found a small Aerobed that inflated and deflated quickly for him to sleep on. He’d been asleep for almost four hours now, and though she had to pee, she refused to leave her post for at least another two, until she woke him up. Stanley had told her that he needed a lot more than six hours of sleep, and while she agreed, the President’s daughter was still missing, the building was being run by Republicans who wanted to appoint a new vice president while they were here, and the senior staff was having a collective nutty. 

And then, there was Amy… Donna didn’t even want to think about that. The threats she had made to Donna were still ringing in Donna’s ears. Josh told her not to listen to them; that Amy was just being spiteful and saying anything she could to come between them. While Donna thought he was right on some level, she also thought Amy had valid points. It WOULD cause bad press. And what happened when Josh got past this and was thinking clearly again? He’d kept his distance for five years, more than likely for the very reason of the press. Would he want them to take a step back and wait? Could she even do that at this point? 

Add to that, that Josh WAS under the impression that Donna could fix him right now. Donna was under no such misconceptions herself. The only people that could help Josh were Stanley and Josh himself. What happens when he discovers that she didn’t do anything? That she merely latched on to any physical affection she could get from him, and, quite possibly, took advantage of him? She was doing it all because she loved him, but would he see it that way? He told her he loved her, and she believed him. But when he was thinking clearly, would he be happy that a relationship started? She wasn’t so sure. 

She leaned over and pulled the blanket back over him that had fallen off, kissed his forehead, then quietly snuck out of his office. She closed the door softly, turned around, and ran right back into CJ. Donna did nothing to hide her frustration at CJ’s persistence and sighed loudly. 

“He still can’t see you, CJ.” She said. 

“But he can see you?” CJ countered. “He’s not working on something top secret, Donna, if you’re going in there.” 

“CJ….” Donna said. 

“Tell me, Donna.” CJ ordered. 

“No.” 

“Then I’ll go get Toby and he’ll go in there while I hold you down.” CJ threatened. 

“I wasn’t lying when I told you to take it up with Leo.” Donna said defiantly. “Did you do that?” 

“No.” 

“Then what do you think HE’LL think of your threat?” 

“Is he in there picking a vice president?” 

“No.” 

“Working with the FBI about Zoey?” 

“No.” 

“Then what’s so important?” CJ replied. 

“Good morning, Donna.” Stanley greeted coming upon the two women. Donna cringed inwardly. The secret would be out now. 

“Good morning, Stanley.” Donna replied. 

“Is Josh in yet?” 

“Yes.” 

“Good morning, Dr. Keyworth.” CJ said. “It’s good to see you, too.” 

“Ms. Cregg.” Stanley greeted before turning back to Donna. “I wanted to say hi while I was here.” 

“He’s kind of tied up right now.” Donna said willing Stanley to catch her silent plea. “Could you come back in maybe two hours?” 

“Sure.” Stanley readily agreed. “I’ll just go down to the mess and get some breakfast.” Stanley walked away and when Donna turned back to CJ, there was no mistaken the sympathetic look on the other woman’s face. 

“Why didn’t you just tell me, Donna?” CJ asked quietly. 

“There’s nothing to tell, CJ.” Donna insisted. “And my job isn’t to tell you stuff anyway.” 

“You’re the senior assistant to the deputy chief of staff; I’m the White House press secretary.” CJ reminded. 

“He’s also my friend.” Donna said softly. 

“And you’re both mine.” 

“I think this is a little different, CJ.” Donna replied. “Not everything is about the White House.” 

“You’re right, it’s not.” CJ agreed. “You’re not the only one that was worried about him; you’re not the only one that spent hours with Dr. Keyworth.” 

“Yes. But I’m the only one that continues to look for it, CJ.” Donna replied. “I’m the only one that didn’t walk back to work after that Christmas and try to forget about it, and I don’t blame you for that. And in your job, it’s easier to have denial, but it’s not that way for me. Your job is to protect the President, but my job is to protect Josh. He hasn’t slept so much as a minute in two days. He’s sleeping now. I’m waking him up in two hours, still about ten hours earlier than he should be.” 

“How do you know he hasn’t slept in two days, Donna?” CJ asked. Donna cursed herself for being so careless with her words. She’d be more on top of her game if she’d had more than seven or eight hours of sleep herself in two days. When Donna’s eyes widened, CJ had her answer. She held up her hand to stop Donna’s vehement denial. “Don’t say anything.” CJ said quickly. “I can only handle one crisis at a time, and at the moment, we’ve got too many.” 

“But, CJ…” Donna began anyway. 

“At least this explains Amy’s behavior.” CJ mumbled. “I’ll cover for him. Just let me know when you wake him up.” 

CJ turned and walked away, and Donna stood there and tried to piece together what exactly had just transpired. Was CJ pissed? What did she think she knew? And more importantly, who might she tell? Josh had no plan at the moment to reveal to anyone that they’d become more involved. Donna didn’t know whether or not that was likely to change in the coming days or weeks, but it’s the way it was now. 

Donna was still leaning up against the door, one hand on the knob when it suddenly opened from within and she found herself falling backwards right into Josh’s surprised arms. 

“Morning.” He smirked, as she stood upright and walked into his office, closing the door behind her. 

“You’re not supposed to be up yet.” She accused. 

He shrugged and looked at her. She still looked tired and now she looked worried. Of course, most of the occupants of the building were walking around looking like that. “What happened?” he asked. 

“Nothing.” She said quickly shaking her head. “Do you want me to go get you something to eat? Stanley came by and said he’d get breakfast and then be by to see you later.” 

“He’s here already?” Josh asked. 

“Yeah.” Donna said. “And CJ’s looking for you.” 

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” he asked and she looked at him pointedly. “Okay.” He conceded, heading for his office door. “Deflate that thing.” He said gesturing to the air mattress. “Or better yet, use it yourself.” He disappeared out his door and she followed him, falling right into step along side of him. 

“Like that’s going to happen.” She scoffed. 

“You need to sleep, too, you know.” He said. 

“Not as badly as you did.” She shot back. 

“Well, we’re about neck and neck now in that department, so it’s your turn.” He replied. 

“I’ll sleep later.” She said. 

He stopped abruptly and lowered his voice. “Later was the bath.” He said in what Donna was coming to greatly appreciate as his husky morning voice. “You’ll need to be rested for that.” 

“Oh, really?” 

“Yes, really. I have plans, Donnatella.” He smirked and continued on his path to CJ’s office. 

“Where are you going now?” 

“You said CJ needed to see me.” 

“Wait, Josh!” Donna said abruptly. He was surprised by her reaction and stopped to look at her. She pulled him out of the flow of people traffic and into an empty copy room. “Before you go in there, I think she might know.” 

“Know what?” 

“Know half the reason why Stanley is here and possibly drawing her own conclusions about you and me.” 

“What did you say?” he asked quickly. 

“I said I wasn’t waking you up yet because you hadn’t slept at all in two days, and she asked me how I knew that, and before I could give any kind of answer she drew her own conclusions.” Donna said quickly. 

“How did the conversation even GO in that direction, Donna?” he asked growing annoyed. 

“I didn’t mean it to.” She said. “She was grilling me, and…” 

“Just forget it.” He said with a sigh. “Just…go back to my office, Donna, and please try to get some sleep so stuff like this doesn’t happen.” 

He left the copy room and continued on to CJ’s office. When Donna had composed herself enough to leave the copy room, she looked down towards CJ’s office, just in time to see the door close. 

“You needed to see me, CJ?” Josh asked closing the door behind him. 

“How are you feeling, mi amore?” 

“Fine, why?” Josh asked attempting to evade the question. 

“Donna looks like hell. If Donna looks like hell, then something crappy is happening with you.” CJ deduced. 

“Excellent work, Watson.” Josh said dryly. “It took you how long to get that out of her?” 

CJ paused and looked at him carefully. She remembered what he was like that Christmas, how snappy he was with everyone, how erratic his behavior could be; how on edge he was, so she knew she had to tread carefully. 

“She stonewalled me, as usual, on every front, Josh.” CJ explained. “Her loyalty to you is absolute.” 

“Yet you figured it out.” 

“Dr. Keyworth dropped by your office while I was standing there.” CJ supplied. “Donna didn’t give you up.” 

Josh felt marginally better to hear that, though now terrible for the way he’d just treated her. He ran his hands through his hair. Keeping them there, he turned away from CJ with a groan. “God, I got to apologize to her again.” He said. “I’m so tired of having to apologize to her.” 

“She understands, Josh.” CJ said calmly. 

“It doesn’t make it all right, CJ.” Josh said dropping his hands and turning back to her. “You have NO idea what she actually puts up with. You have no idea what it’s really like for us. I don’t know how long anyone should be expected to deal with this kind of stuff. If she quit and worked for the Republicans right now, I wouldn’t blame her in the slightest. They’re much more sane than me at the moment. Though if she ever did actually leave me, I’m sure that would be the end of me for sure.” 

CJ didn’t want to say it, but she pretty much agreed. 

“You don’t think you’re being a little dramatic?” CJ said with a slight smile. 

“She can spot a mood change in me quicker than you can snap your fingers, CJ.” Josh continued. “She can spot a mood change in me before I even HAVE it, for God’s sake.” 

“Josh,” CJ said slowly and as calmly as she could. “are you sure starting a relationship with her is the best thing for you two right now?” 

Josh snapped his head to her, and CJ was instantly sorry she’d ask. But after a moment, he merely raised his eyebrows and shrugged. “Stanley says we’ve been in a relationship. He actually says it’s NOT a bad idea. And to be honest with you, CJ, she’s always been the one to pull me back. Nobody knows me like she does; I don’t know me like she does.” 

CJ sighed and looked at him. “She’s not perfect, Josh.” 

“She is to me.” 

“Sometimes, Josh, I think you put her up on a bigger pedestal than she puts you.” CJ smiled. 

“That’s not what we are, CJ.” Josh replied. “Come on, you know we run deeper than that. We always have. Is this the best time for this? No. But it happened, and I can’t let it go. If this didn’t happen to me right now, CJ, my willpower would have been the same and I would have kept my distance, but it didn’t work out that way, and sometimes, I’m just not as strong as the rest of you.” 

“You’re right, Josh. You’re stronger than the rest of us, and that’s why this stuff doesn’t consume you.” 

“She’s there for me always, CJ.” Josh said finally with a sigh, sitting down on her couch. “She always has been. She’s there when it matters the most and I need her the most. She’s not just my assistant, she never was.” 

“I know.” CJ relented. “And she’s never really been just your assistant to any of us either, Josh. I’m not sure what to do about the you and her thing yet, so just lay low with her for now, until I figure something out.” At Josh’s wicked grin, CJ let out a frustrated sigh. “Joshua, you pervert, you know exactly what I mean.” 

“Yes, but I like my interpretation better.” 

“Don’t hurt her.” CJ warned. “She’s like a little sister to me.” 

“Well, that’s not likely to happen, CJ,” Josh replied. “That’s ALL I’ve been doing to her lately, but I get your point.” 

“Good.” 

He left CJ’s office and walked slowly back towards his. CJ didn’t seem to be flying off the handle about the him and Donna thing. It felt kind of nice to have her on his side, and he sort of liked the idea that there was someone there for them formulating a plan on it. It would be one less stressful thing for them to deal with. He’d just wait it out for CJ’s instructions. 

When he returned to his office, he saw that Donna had taken his advice and was lying on the air mattress. But unfortunately, she wasn’t sleeping, she was crying. He squatted down next to her when he saw her shoulders shaking silently. 

“I don’t know how many times I can apologize to you, Donna, before I just have to step away so I don’t hurt you at all.” He said softly. “Half the time, I’m not even sure what I’m sorry for, I just know that I am.” 

She pushed herself up and wrapped her arms tightly around his neck as he sat back and leaned up against his desk. 

“I love you so much, Joshua. It’s not your fault.” She whispered. 

“It sort of is.” He replied. 

“Did you mean it?” 

“I’m sure I didn’t. Mean what?” 

“About stepping away?” 

“I don’t want to. But, I don’t want to keep hurting you either. Donna, you’re in so much pain right now, and it’s because of me.” 

“It’ll stop.” She assured, as the tears streamed down her face. 

“Donna, over the past few days I’ve seen you crying more than I’ve seen you not.” He replied. “I can’t stand it when you cry, and when you cry because of me, it’s ten times worse.” 

“I’ll cry more if you leave me.” She said softly. “I’m terrified that when this is all over, you’ll wake up and think we shouldn’t have done this, and then, I’ll have to move back to Wisconsin or work for Republicans.” 

“I’ll never think that. I just don’t like to see you in all this pain because of me.” 

“It’s not because of you.” She insisted. “I hurt for you, not because of you. I know it’s cliché, Josh, but everything started for me when I met you. Everything started to make sense again. All I’ve ever wanted was to be able to love you, so you would know it. I believe in you.” 

“Okay.” He nodded, further proving to himself that he was powerless against her when she wanted something, including him apparently. “Then between the two of us and CJ, we’ll figure it out.” 

“CJ?” 

“I sort of confirmed her suspicions.” 

“Did she freak?” 

“Not on me.” He said with a smirk. “I must really be in a bad way if CJ won’t call me an idiot.” 

“Stop.” She said smacking his arm and wiping the tears from her cheeks. 

“Do you think you could actually sleep on that thing now?” Josh asked. “I’d really feel better if I knew you were resting a bit more.” 

“I’ll try.” 

“Thank you.” 

She crawled back to the mattress and he covered her with the same blanket that she used for him. He kissed her before moving back to his desk to continue going through the files of possible VP candidates. When he checked on her after a few minutes, she was sound asleep. 

He heard a light tapping on his door, and when he opened it, he found Stanley on the other side. Motioning for him to be quiet, he let him into the office and closed the door again. 

“You know, Josh,” Stanley began. “I think you’ve all really just killed any sort of grand ideas I had about actually working in this building when you guys are taking to sleeping on the floor.” 

“That’s nothing, Stanley.” Josh said. “You should see the way we eat.” 

“I have a hard time believing Donna let’s you eat poorly.” 

“She doesn’t; but sometimes I can sneak it in.” 

“How do you want to do this?” Stanley asked. 

“We can do it right here.” Josh said waving to his desk. “The Republicans are crawling around. I’d rather not be out there in the open.” 

“Are you sure?” Stanley asked glancing down to Donna again. 

“If she hears, she hears.” Josh dismissed. “I doubt I’d say anything that would be that shocking to her.” 

“First of all, Josh,” Stanley countered. “You frequently say things that shock yourself; and secondly, I don’t want you holding back for fear she’d hear it.” 

“I won’t.” 

“Josh.” Stanley warned. 

“Stanley, I won’t.” Josh assured. “She’s the reason why I do this.” 

“YOU should be the reason why you do this.” Stanley countered. 

“Well, I should be, but at the moment, I’m not.” Josh said dropping down into his chair. 

“You know, when we first met, I told you you were too easy for me.” 

“Yeah, I really felt cheap, Stanley.” 

“What I actually meant was that you were too much of a pain in the ass.” 

“I get that a lot.” 

“I imagine you do.” Stanley said, sitting down in the chair furthest from Donna, as Josh propped his feet up on his desk, getting comfortable. “Where do you want to start?” 

“The world’s coming down around us, Stanley.” 

“Not a whole hell of a lot of a comforting thing to hear while you’re sitting in the middle of the White House, Josh.” 

“I mean me and Donna.” 

“Really? The whole world is.” 

“Our world.” 

“The universe of Josh and Donna.” 

“Right.” 

“I would think that it was just getting better.” 

“Forces outside my control are plotting against us.” 

“You sound paranoid. Translation?” 

“I AM paranoid.” 

“You’re many things it seems.” 

“How many? Nine?” 

“Cute.” Stanley responded. “Who do you think is plotting against you, Josh?” 

“My ex-girlfriend.” 

“I’m not Dear Abbey, Josh.” 

“I actually think that things are worse than they were last time, Stanley.” Josh finally admitted. And it was right about that moment that Donna woke up. 

TBC


	5. When It Matters

Donna was happy she was facing away from Josh and Stanley, not that they’d be able to see her from where she was anyway, but they’d not only, one, not be able to see that she was awake; but, two, not see her horrified face. 

“Worse how?” Stanley asked. “Last time, you swore to me that you weren’t suicidal. Are you telling me now that you might be?” 

“I don’t know.” Josh confessed. “See, I don’t think about it. I don’t think of ways to kill myself. But, I was going to put my hand through a window again.” 

“Yeah, you can’t really kill yourself that way, Josh.” Stanley said pursing his lips and shaking his head. 

“Yeah, but I don’t remember having the thought to do that. I figured out what happened when I was lying on the floor with Donna on top of me. What if I have had other thoughts and I don’t remember them? What if I have that thought and Donna’s not there?” 

“That’s what the medication is for, Josh.” Stanley said. “And, by the way, maintaining a consistent therapy schedule, which you do not do.” 

“Okay. Well, if she heard that right there, Stanley, I’m sure that won’t be the case anymore.” Josh replied. 

He could count on that, Donna thought to herself. She wondered if she should make her status known. She felt guilty not telling him she could hear, but she also felt tired, and thought she might be able to fall back to sleep. Josh had a soothing voice and there were times that they were campaigning or on Air Force One that she fell asleep to him talking. His voice was different when he was talking to her. It was patient and soft, and it was the voice he was using now. 

“Why do you think things will be awful with you and Donna?” Stanley asked. 

“Things will be amazing with me and Donna, Stanley.” Josh corrected. “But once people start finding out about us, I think things will be awful for Donna.” 

“Why?” 

“I think there will be some media attention on her and I don’t think it’ll be nice.” Josh said. “Eventually, it’ll go away in the press, but not around here. People have long memories around here.” 

“Josh, these are the same fears you’ve had for years.” Stanley replied. 

“I know.” 

“Yet, they didn’t stop you from finally telling her how you feel.” 

“Because I’m having a thing, Stanley. And I’m a weak man, and I’m a selfish man.” 

“You are not a weak man, Josh.” Stanley said. “You need to stop seeing yourself as weak. Are you telling me that once you’re feeling better, you’re going to cut her loose?” 

Donna held her breath from her spot as she waited for Josh’s answer. “No.” Josh said firmly. 

“Why not?” 

“Because I’m selfish and I love her.” He said. Donna smiled and closed her eyes, as she let his voice fall over her, as he continued to talk. “That’s it.” Josh continued. “There’s light when she’s around. I’m less tense and she can get through to me. She knows what’s going on. She sees it before I do sometimes.” 

“So where’s that leave you two then?” 

“Trying to figure out the press.” Josh said glumly. 

“Well, that’s not really my area of expertise.” Stanley said. “Shall we move on to the other stuff?” 

“Donna stopped me the other night from going to Amy’s.” Josh said. 

“She stopped you from filling the void with mindless sex.” 

“Donna fills the void.” Josh replied. “That would have been a physical release from the pain.” 

“But Donna didn’t let you do that.” 

“No.” 

“Because she knew it wasn’t what you needed and you probably would have regretted it.” 

“Right.” 

“I see.” 

“What if I hurt her?” Josh asked, staring off into the office. “What if I have one of these black outs and I actually physically hurt her? I came close the other night, I know I did.” 

“You know, you never told me why you hired her.” 

“I didn’t hire her, she hired herself.” 

“You let her stay.” Stanley acquiesced. “The other assistants have college degrees, some have Masters degrees. You said Donna doesn’t have that. Now, I know she’s good at her job. But you wouldn’t have known that then. And given what you told me about your first interview with her, I’m wondering what made you hire her.” 

“Her eyes.” Josh said after a long pause. “It was her eyes. She was so innocent, and I could just tell that she really believed what she was saying and promising. And I thought that someone with that kind of conviction was probably genuine. And she is. She’s pure. And I don’t mean that in the sexual sense. I mean her soul is.” 

“You’re right, Josh. Donna gets through to you. I don’t think you’d ever hurt her. I don’t think you’re that kind of danger. And I don’t think Donna would ever let you do something like that. You’re miles better than you were three years ago, Josh. When you dated Amy, you didn’t worry about this.” 

“I didn’t envision spending the rest of my life with Amy.” Josh replied. “Besides, Amy was after my political position. I would imagine after getting shot, Donna would probably prefer I give up politics.” 

“How old is Donna?” 

“29.” 

“She’s got an awful lot of wisdom for someone so young.” 

“You have no idea.” 

“Josh?” Stanley asked. 

“Yeah?” 

“Are you sure Donna can live up to where you put her?” Stanley asked hesitantly and for the first time, Josh seemed concerned about whether or not she might hear him. 

He actually stood up and crossed around to his desk to look down at her. He cocked his head to one side, squinted a bit, and smiled. “Maybe. But she put herself there.” He said. “I don’t have any delusions that she’s got some sort of magic wand. I say she can heal me because she’s done it before. I know she’s got flaws. I mean, have you SEEN her penmanship? Not to mention, she talks a lot. She gets on a roll about something, and just goes on, and on, and on, until I think I might have a seizure. But she’s perfect to me.” He toed the end of the mattress before saying, “Right, Donna?” 

Donna rolled over in a huff. “I’m sorry! I TRIED to go back to sleep. I really did.” She started. Josh smiled and cocked his head at her, and Stanley rolled his eyes. “But I couldn’t because while there are times you bore me to tears, Josh, you apparently don’t bore me to sleep.” 

“Donna.” Josh tried to interrupt. 

“And then, I was going to get up and sneak out, but I thought that might be worse…” 

“Donna.” 

“I didn’t want you to think that was trying to hear anything you said…” 

“See what I said about talking too much?” Josh said to Stanley. 

“I’m sorry.” She said again. 

“Donna, I started talking to Stanley even though I knew you might wake up.” Josh assured, holding a hand down to her and helping her stand. “I’m not mad.” 

“Really?” 

“Really.” He nodded. “I am hungry though. Why don’t you go scour up some lunch for us and check in with CJ and Leo?” 

“Are you sure?” 

“I’m sure.” 

“All right.” She nodded. She leaned over and kissed him quickly on the cheek. She wanted to show her thanks and appreciation for the things he had said in a larger way, but Stanley’s presence didn’t really allow that. He smiled back at her, and she quickly disappeared from his office. 

She decided to go see CJ first, since Josh had said he confirmed CJ’s suspicions. “How’s it going, CJ?” Donna smiled, passing by Carol’s empty desk. 

“Oh, you know…” CJ replied waving her hand and looking up at her. “You look better.” 

“Josh is talking to Stanley now.” 

“I’m really not always the press secretary, Donna.” 

“I know.” 

“Except sometimes I am.” 

“He told you about us.” Donna nodded. 

“Despite anything that comes our way from it, Donna,” CJ began. “I’m happy for you two. I really am.” 

“Thanks, CJ.” Donna smiled. “That means a lot.” 

“I’ll have you know, I have no idea what I’m going to do about it at the moment though.” 

“That’s okay, neither do we.” Donna said. 

“What do you think Josh would say to, you know, selling your love story?” CJ asked. 

“Selling our love story?” Donna asked. “You think we have a love story?” 

“Star crossed lovers.” CJ nodded. 

“We’re not really star crossed anymore.” 

“Yeah, but you do really do have a story. I think if I pick the right interviewer, I can stay in front of it, and make it a love story and not some scandalous affair.” 

“It’s not some scandalous affair.” Donna frowned thinking back to what Josh had just said to Stanley about wanting to spend the rest of his life with her. 

“I know. And if we have the right person, we can keep it that way.” 

“Who?” 

“I don’t know.” CJ waved. “Maybe Katie Couric. I don’t know.” 

“I’ll do whatever Josh says.” Donna shrugged. 

“How’s he feeling?” 

“Better, I think.” Donna said. 

“Is the doctor going to put him back on the meds?” 

“You should really ask Josh this stuff, CJ.” Donna said shifting uncomfortably on the couch. 

“Sorry.” CJ said. “I’m just asking as, you know, his friend.” 

“I know.” Donna nodded, but didn’t continue. 

“Josh is lucky to have you, Donna.” CJ noted. 

“Well, I’m lucky to have him, too.” 

TBC


	6. When It Matters

“It’s so quiet.” Josh mumbled. 

“It’s pretty late.” Donna replied softly. They were at his apartment on the couch. Josh was stretched out, with his head in her lap and his eyes closed, as she gently ran her fingers through his hair. 

“Still. It just seems quiet, doesn’t it?” 

“I guess.” She shrugged. “Do you feel better after having talked to Stanley?” 

“I guess.” He said. 

“You guess?” 

“I do.” He corrected. 

“I really wasn’t intending on listening.” 

“I know.” 

“I just was trying to figure out what to do.” 

“Seriously, Donna, it’s okay.” He said. “If you can’t hear that stuff about me, then what the hell are we doing?” 

She was happy to hear him say that. She was happy to hear that he was comfortable enough to let her hear that; confident enough that not only would she never tell another soul, but wouldn’t run away from a glaring imperfection of his. 

“You got quiet all of the sudden.” He said softly. 

“I was just wondering….” She began then trailed off. 

“Wondering what?” 

“Nothing. It’s nothing.” She said quickly. 

“Donna.” He warned. 

“What is it like?” She said softly. “I was wondering what all this is like. I guess I’m just trying to understand it more.” He was quiet for a minute while he tried to formulate his response, but she misinterpreted it. “I shouldn’t have asked. I’m sorry.” 

“No.” he quickly assured. “I’m just not sure I could put it into words.” 

“Really? The famed 760 verbal failing you?” she chided softly. 

“Ah, a challenge.” He smirked. 

“Seriously, you don’t have to tell me.” 

“It’s dark, Donna.” He said. He had opened his eyes, but didn’t look up at her, and she continued to run her fingers lightly through his hair as he wrapped his arms around her a little tighter. “It’s like walking along the edge of a lake at night; one slip and you can fall in. When it starts, it sort of feels like an infection, just taking over your thoughts and sometimes, you just can’t fight it.” 

“You’re so strong, Josh.” She said. 

“Doesn’t feel like it.” He said, closing his eyes again. 

“No, I wouldn’t think so, but you are. Sometimes I think you can do anything.” 

“What happened to your rule about not feeding my ego?” he smirked, opening his eyes again. 

“Well, sometimes I guess I can bend it.” She smiled down at him. “Don’t let it go to your head though.” 

“Ironically enough.” 

“Josh.” 

“Stanley’s afraid of me growing too dependent on you.” His eyebrows shot up at her snort, and he looked briefly up at her. “What?” 

“You already ARE pretty dependent on me, Josh.” 

“Well, that doesn’t make me feel good.” 

“Well, I’m pretty dependent on you, too.” 

“You are not.” He argued. “Doing stuff for me is actually your job. That’s not my job.” 

“Yet you do it anyway.” She countered. 

“No. I should do it more, but I don’t.” 

“I disagree.” She said shaking her head. 

“Disagree all you want, it’s true.” 

“You gave me a job when I was desperately needing to feel useful. You gave me a sense of direction when I was drifting, and with that, the opportunity to reinvent myself and discover who it is I really am and what’s important to me. I’ve never had that.” 

“I will find a way to get that asshole for that, Donna. I will. I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but I will.” 

“You saved me from going to federal prison for perjury.” 

“Yeah, well, you know how I hate to lose to republicans.” 

“You give me way more responsibility than any other assistant has.” 

“That’s because I’m just lazy.” 

“But for the fact you’re the LEAST lazy person I’ve ever met.” She replied. 

“Still…” 

“You fight for me, Josh.” She said quietly. “I’m not in a position to fight, and so you fight for me.” He closed his eyes again against the soft rhythm of her fingers. “You go after something I believe in with so much more energy than anything else you fight for.” 

“That’s because when I win those fights, I get a hug.” 

“Well, I’ve wanted to do more than hug you.” 

“Really?” he smirked, his interest perked. “I should have caved a long time ago.” 

“You keep things safe for me.” She continued. “I know how hard you try to keep things that are upsetting away from me.” 

“Yeah, well, that’s actually me being selfish, because if you don’t know when something shitty is going on, then you’re happy and when I need cheering up, you’re already happy.” 

“Josh.” 

“Things ARE safe for you, Donna.” He said earnestly finally turning in her lap and looking up at her. “As long as there’s a breath in my body and you work with me, everything will be safe for you.” 

“See?” she smiled lightly. “You’re always my champion. How can you think you don’t do anything for me?” 

“I don’t know. Your stuff seems bigger.” 

“It’s not.” She assured. He finally sat up and dropped his head back against the couch cushions and she turned in her spot to face him. “Listen, did you talk to CJ again today?” 

“About what?” 

“Katie Couric.” 

“Katie Couric? No.” 

“CJ thinks we should do a sit down with Katie Couric.” 

“What the hell?” Josh frowned. “Why?” 

“She seems to think that if we had the right interviewer, she could sell us as a love story and not some scandalous, sordid affair.” 

“Love story?” 

“She thinks we have a love story. You know parted by our jobs, pining away, that kind of thing.” 

“She thinks that because of this.” He said. 

“What?” 

“Post traumatic stress disorder.” He said. “She sees all this and thinks that. I’m not telling that to Katie Couric.” 

“She might be able to sell it the other way.” 

“And if she can’t, Donna?” he countered. “Do you know what they’re going to say about you in the press?” 

“Do you know what they’re going to say about YOU?” she countered. 

“I’m a man, it’s different.” He dismissed. “It’ll blow over. And that, Donna, is exactly why I’ve kept my distance all these years. They’re going to be all over you, and they’re going to say horrible things about you. I can’t watch that happen.” 

“Well, it’s too late now.” She said. “What are we going to do? Go back to the way we were? That won’t work for either one of us, Josh.” 

“Leo might not let us work together anymore.” Josh said. 

“Yes, he will.” Donna said adamantly. 

“I know Leo pretty well, Donna. In the professional realm, this isn’t going to make him jump for joy.” 

“I don’t know.” She shrugged. “He thinks of you like a son, Josh. He looks out for you.” 

“You’re overestimating him.” Josh said with a hollow laugh. “It’s the White House, Jed Bartlet is his best friend, and there’s nothing he takes more seriously than his job. He got divorced, Donna, so he could concentrate on his job more.” 

“You don’t think he regrets that?” 

“I’m not sure to be honest with you.” Josh said. “I don’t know that he would change it for him, but I know he doesn’t want it for me. It’s funny because I always thought that he was grooming me to follow in his footsteps, you know? Like he was making me his political legacy, and I was always all right with that, with the fact that he trusted me that much. But lately, it seems like he doesn’t want me to go in that direction, at least not yet.” 

“Why do you think that?” 

“It doesn’t matter.” 

“Yes, it does.” 

“When Amy and I were going to go to Tahiti he told me to go, and I said no, that waiting for Billy’s call was more important. He told me Jenny lived in his house, and he lived in a hotel and that was why.” 

“Yeah, I remember that.” 

“So, it was my choice not to go. I think he was disappointed.” 

“Oh.” Donna said, then looked down at the couch in between them. 

“What’s the matter?” he asked when he noticed the change in her demeanor. 

“Nothing.” She said quickly. 

“Something.” He said. “What’s wrong?” 

“I think me.” She said. 

“What? What are you talking about?” 

“Listen, Amy’s a witch and it’s no secret that I don’t like her, but she’s career driven and so are you.” Donna said. “I’m not. I just like working with you. When we’re not in the White House anymore, I have absolutely no clue what I want to do. I don’t even know what I’m qualified to do. Someone like Amy’s got her pick of jobs, people just hand her jobs. She has the right education, and the right career, and the right clothes. And so, I just think that people are going to think that she, or someone like her, is who’s right for you.” 

His eyes grew wide for a minute and then he turned into her, picking up her hand. “Donna, it’s very important that you listen to me right now.” He waited for her nod, signaling he had her undivided attention. “YOU are who’s right for me. I don’t give a shit who anyone else THINKS is right for me. We’re compatible everywhere; in all parts of my life, you fit. No one would have done what you did the other night, certainly not Amy. I know things are coming down around me right now, but these last few days with you have been incredible, and you’re everywhere I need you to be. You are who’s right for me.” 

She wrapped her arms around his neck and he latched on tightly, burying his face in he shoulder. “You’re who’s right for me, too.” She whispered. 

“Well, I knew that.” He chuckled. “And even if I wasn’t, I’m much too selfish and possessive to care.” 

She laughed lightly and pulled back, leaning her forehead up against his and gently running her hand down his cheek. 

“I love you, Joshua.” 

“Then we’ll figure it out.” He nodded. “I don’t know what we’ll do about that press, but that’s all I need. All I need is you loving me.” 

“You got me.” 

TBC


	7. When It Matters

Leo watched as little by little the senior staff and their assistants trickled into the Mural Room. He had had Margaret page them all about 45 minutes ago. Toby arrived first, having hadn’t left yet. Will arrived next. Leo began to lose track of the arriving order after Josh and Donna entered the room. They went to a chair in the corner of the room. Donna sat down, and Josh perched on the arm of the chair with his arm draped behind her. 

Leo took the opportunity to study them. They didn’t talk. They didn’t have to. He could see what they were going through, now that he was armed with the knowledge Donna had given him. Leo could see in Josh eyes what he saw three years ago: exhaustion, confusion, fear, shame. He looked like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. 

Amy Gardner entered the room. She quickly scanned the room and when her eyes fell on Josh and Donna, Leo noted her lip curled slightly before she moved to the opposite corner, scowling darkly. Leo turned his attention back to his deputy and his assistant just in time to observe an interesting exchange. Josh appeared like he was trying to get Donna’s attention but she wasn’t acknowledging anything he was softly saying to her. Finally, he squeezed her shoulder. She shook her head vehemently and sat straight up. At that gesture, he saw Josh raise his gaze and glare darkly at the First Lady’s Chief of Staff. 

Leo smirked to himself as the pieces fell into place. He didn’t advance this far in his career by being an idiot. He could read people. And read them well. 

Josh had found balance. 

And apparently, he had found it with Donna and Amy didn’t approve. Oddly enough, Leo was surprised by the fact that he wasn’t surprised. Nobody handled Josh the way Donna did, save maybe Leo. Josh was frequently in Leo’s office fighting for something Donna wanted. If there was one person in this building that Josh was terrified of disappointing more than Leo, it was Donna. 

Leo remembered the day Josh recommended to the President that they put Marcus Aquino on a stamp. It was just after he returned to work after the shooting and Leo was surprised, since earlier in the day, Josh was staunchly against putting Acquino on the stamp. But that evening, as the staff broke up to leave for the night, Leo walked with Josh back to his office. 

“I thought you were against Acquino.” Leo said to his deputy. 

“I was.” 

“You got turned around?” 

“Donna wanted it.” Josh simply shrugged by way of explanation. 

Before that evening, Leo couldn’t recall Josh fighting that hard for something for Donna. Leo had just assumed it was to show some token of thanks to her for her actions during his recovery. She really had gone far beyond her job description and was immediately offended when someone suggested that very notion to her. 

He had realized that Josh and Donna went deeper than mere boss and assistant, or friends even, that Christmas when Donna cried in Leo’s office for help. “I’m losing him, Leo.” She had said tearfully. “You have to help him.” 

And now it was happening again. But this time, Donna had known and seemingly cut it off at the knees. But it seemed to have taken a toll on Josh regardless. 

CJ finally entered the room. She took note of Amy and then Josh and Donna. Leo watched as CJ moved to take the chair closest to Josh and Donna. It was a show of solidarity. There were plenty of open seats in the room. She knew, and she had a strategy. 

“Something you want to share with the rest of us, Leo?” Toby asked taking note of Leo’s smirk. Leo looked around the room and noted that they were all assembled. 

“Well, I thought I’d call you all together at 2:30 in the morning to discuss a new decorating scheme for this room.” Leo said sarcastically. 

“Can we take it then that it has something to do with Zoey?” Will prodded. 

“You may.” Leo confirmed with a nod. The tension in the room was instantly intensified as everyone waited over a razor’s edge for Leo’s news. “CJ,” Leo began turning to the press secretary. “You are authorized to call the press corps in and inform them that two hours ago, Zoey Bartlet was found in Virginia alive and in relatively good condition. She’s been taken to Walter Reed for a full evaluation.” 

There was a collective burst of joy throughout the room, and several of the women broke into tears. 

“Really?” CJ asked through her own tears. “She’s really okay?” 

“You will be briefed fully on her condition by her doctor when they are done with their examination, but she’s mostly okay. She’s a little banged up, and the medics on the scene and First Lady believe she had dislocated her shoulder. She was also a little out of it. They had been giving her some sort of sedative and she had obviously gone through a traumatic experience. But yes, all things considered, she’s okay.” 

“Thank you, God.” CJ said. 

“The President and First Lady are with her now at Walter Reed, but the President will be returning here shortly to resume his office.” Leo continued. “So, let’s get to work. First order of business is a Vice President.” 

The staff broke up talking animatedly amongst themselves. Leo watched Amy Gardner with interest. She was obviously overjoyed by the news, but when she looked in Josh and Donna’s direction, she tossed them a look of disgust before she left the room. 

When Leo returned his attention to his deputy, the most interesting scene was unfolding before him. Donna was sobbing into her hands and Josh was kneeling in front of her trying to calm her down. Leo couldn’t hear what he was saying to her, but he was surprised when Josh leaned in and kissed her forehead before gently pulling her hands from her face. 

Well, Josh had certainly never done anything like that before with her. 

“That’s ridiculous, Donna, of course, I still need you.” Josh’s words had finally floated over to Leo. 

Leo looked to the rest of the room, and CJ and Toby were still there. They, too, were watching the scene with great interest. “CJ, Toby,” Leo said nodding to the door. “Can you give us the room please?” CJ pursed her lips grimly before following Toby out of the room and closing the door behind her. 

Leo closed the distance between himself and the room’s final inhabitants. When Josh had noticed Leo’s presence, he immediately stood up, but stuck very closely to Donna. 

“Donna, what’s the matter?” Leo asked gruffly, but Donna merely dropped her face to her hands and continued to sob. Leo looked at the confliction on Josh’s face. He was torn between wanting to comfort the hysterical woman before him and not revealing too much to his boss. “Oh for crying out loud.” Leo barked, rolling his eyes. “How long have you two been together?” 

His words shocked Donna into finally becoming aware of her surroundings. She looked up at the Chief of Staff in sheer mortification. “Oh my God.” She whispered, before she popped up and began to take flight. Before she got more than a step away, Josh grabbed her wrist and yanked her back to his side. Donna continued to struggle to flee the room, but Josh being stronger, won out in the end, and she opted instead for crying hysterically into his shoulder. 

“Only since the night Zoey disappeared.” Josh confessed. Leo had known Josh nearly all Josh’s life. He recognized the tone of defiance in his words and look of rebellion in his eyes. Josh was prone to impulsiveness, but he was steadfast in his decision before Leo. 

“You’ve talked to CJ?” Leo asked. 

“Yes.” Josh said. “Well, not in depth, but she knows, yes.” 

“We have to protect her, Josh.” Leo said gesturing to Donna. 

“I know.” 

“And you can’t be flying off the handle every time someone says something mean about her.” Leo continued, though Josh didn’t answer him then. “We have a Vice President to appoint, and I won’t have that hijacked because you said something stupid. Do you understand?” When Josh didn’t answer, Leo persisted. “Tell me you understand what I just said, Josh.” 

“Yes, I understood what you said.” Josh said with all the attitude of a disgruntled teenager. 

“You’ll do exactly what Toby and CJ tell you to.” Leo continued. “You do nothing without Toby’s blessing. I want you two to lay low a bit until this kidnapping stuff passes. This whole place is going to be upside down for a while. Abbey was saying on the way to Walter Reed that she’s taking Zoey to New Hampshire as soon she’s released. There’s a world wide spotlight on this building right now, not that there’s ever really a time when there’s not.” 

“I know.” Josh said more forcefully. But for all the forcefulness in his words, his actions were just the opposite. At Leo’s pseudo-acceptance, Josh had begun to lightly rub Donna’s back, and her sobs had significantly subsided under his gentle administrations. 

It was an interesting turn of the cards in Leo’s opinion. Leo rarely saw Josh as the comforter, especially when he was going through some kind of crisis as he most certainly was right now. Josh was high maintenance and always expected Donna to be the one getting him through the crisis. Though Leo had no doubt that’s how Josh had gotten through the last few days, this was still a little heady for Leo to wrapped his mind around. 

Having known Josh as long as he had, he could read him like a book when Josh was inclined, as he seemed to be now, to leave the walls down and stand before him unguarded. Josh had finally found something that was more important to him than his career. 

And now Leo was truly afraid. 

Leo knew about the rumors that circulated about his two staffers. The first time he’d heard them, he’d been nearly sick. It wasn’t long after Josh came back to work. It was obvious that he had found a great deal of comfort in Donna. Donna who had worn her battered heart on her sleeve through the whole ordeal, but remained strong for him. She gently but fiercely protected him while he recovered, and ultimately when he first returned, until he was well enough to resume his role of her protector. 

Which he did 110 percent. After that Christmas, when Leo saw the sheer disappointment in Josh’s face as he told him Donna knew what happened with his hand, he thought he was going to have to sit him down to discuss their relationship. But shortly after, Josh started dating Amy Gardner. He took her everywhere. Everywhere Washington power couples went when they wanted to be seen. 

The Christmas after the election was when Leo had truly seen how far gone his deputy and surrogate son was for his assistant when Donna had left to spend the holiday with Commander Reese and his relationship with Amy had finally made sense. The rumors had died down and Donna’s good reputation remained in tact. 

“Go home and try to get some sleep.” Leo said with a final nod. “The VP appointment is going to be a nightmare.” 

When Leo left the room and closed the door again behind him, Josh wrapped both his arms tightly around Donna. Though the sobs didn’t resume, she did begin to cry harder. 

“See?” Josh said softly. “It’s going to be fine.” 

“Is it?” she asked pulling away, her eyes full of tears. “Or are you going to realize that you’re better and this was a mistake. It’s all over. The crisis has passed. You’ll be fine on your own again.” 

“You’re not even making any sense anymore.” Josh said calmly. “An hour ago you were promising me to stay with me.” 

“It’s not me who’s going to be doing the leaving.” Donna said backing away. “You heard Leo. Everyone’s going to be watching the White House and you’re going to be taking lead on the VP nomination. You CAN’T have a scandal now, Josh. You’ll have no choice.” 

Josh took a step back and rubbed a hand down his face. Her reaction here tonight, this morning, had completely taken him aback. When Leo had announced Zoey’s safe return, Donna had completely lost it. He was stunned by how upset she got. He’d never seen her that upset, not even the other night after she had tackled him to the floor. The last few days had been so physically and emotionally draining that he suspected it was all catching up with her now. 

“Donna, it’s not always about me.” Josh said softly. “It’s not always about my career. It’s not always about my mental well being. Sometimes it’s about us, and right now is one of those times. YOU are not a scandal. It’s been five years. You quite obviously didn’t sleep your way into a job.” 

“You saw Amy, Josh. She HATES us.” Donna insisted. “And if the First Lady goes to New Hampshire, she’s going to have nothing to do. Nothing but make things hell for us.” 

“I’m not leaving you, Donna.” Josh said firmly. “I finally got the gold medal, for the love of God, and I’m not going to give it up on a technicality.” Donna raised her gaze to his and saw the determination there. It was the look he got in his eyes when he knew he was going to win. “It’s not about me, it’s about you. It’s ALWAYS been about you. Everything I’ve done for years has been about you. Didn’t you hear Leo? It’s not about protecting me. It’s about protecting you.” 

“Josh…” she whispered as fresh tears streamed down her face and he stepped to her again, taking her face in her hands and wiping the tears away with his thumbs. 

“Right here, right now, in the middle of the White House, Donna, I will make you this promise. I will fight with every fiber of my being.” He said firmly. “Do you understand me?” She nodded slightly, but that wasn’t good enough for him. “Say it.” He demanded, shaking her gently. 

“I understand.” She said hoarsely and nodding for good measure. 

“Let them come then.” He dared, taking her lips in a reassuring kiss. 

She was so overwhelmed by the passion spilling from him that she had to remind herself they were in the White House. They had begun to get carried away and when he remembered where they were, he tugged them out of the room and back out the lobby. The darkness that had been threatening to engulf him seemed to have lifted more, leaving him with a new purpose. 

TBC


	8. When It Matters

Josh opened the door to Donna’s apartment to find Toby standing there. “How’d you know I was here?” Josh asked cocking his head to the side with interest. 

“You’re the Deputy Chief of Staff, Josh.” Toby shrugged. “You’re not hard to find.” 

“Meaning you tried my place first, found me not there, and Leo suggested I might be here then?” Josh guessed standing back and allowing Toby to enter Donna’s apartment. 

“Something like that.” Toby confessed. “I was surprised to find you here instead of there.” 

“Donna was getting worried about her cat.” Josh shrugged. 

“Donna’s got a cat?” 

“Unfortunately.” 

“Where is it?” 

“Hiding. It hates me. Why are you trying to track me down?” 

“I would think you already know the answer to that one, Josh.” Toby said glancing down at his hands before looking back up at Josh. 

“CJ or Leo told you about the change in my relationship with Donna.” Josh nodded. 

“Where is she?” Toby asked quietly, glancing around the room. 

“Sleeping.” Josh answered. “She hasn’t gotten a lot of sleep in the last few days.” Josh dropped down onto the couch and Toby sat down in an adjacent chair, leaning forward on his knees. “Why aren’t you talking to me in the White House?” 

“It’s more private outside of it.” 

“How are the twins?” Josh asked temporarily postponing the inevitable conversation. 

“Really well. If they didn’t have those hats, I’d have no idea which was which, unless, you know, they were naked.” 

“Did you ever think you’d be a father?” Josh smiled. 

“No, quite frankly.” Toby replied. “You know, love was never a problem for me and Andy. But even before, I didn’t feel like I had something to lose.” 

“Well, coming from a guy that’s lost a lot, Toby, it’s a fairly terrifying feeling.” 

“Yeah.” Toby agreed. “Listen, Josh, CJ’s talking about possibly doing a sit down with Katie Couric.” 

“I’m not offering Donna up on a silver platter, Toby.” Josh said softly. “I’m ready to fight if it comes to that, but I’m not going to shine a spot light on her and invite it sooner.” 

“It might be the best strategy. Then it doesn’t look like you’re hiding.” 

“I’m not hiding. Donna’s also been my friend all these years. I’ve been here a million times; no one’s found it strange. She’s worked late on a Friday night from my place, no one’s said a nasty word about it. We’ve been out having dinner at restaurants before. I take her to official White House functions. Seeing the two of us together isn’t going to be an oddity to anyone.” 

“Well, you do have that going.” Toby agreed. 

“CJ’s idea is good in theory, Toby, but that’s about as far as it goes.” Josh said. “She’s got this heart wrenching love story in her head because I have post traumatic stress disorder and spent the last three days having a thing.” Josh could tell that this didn’t seem to be news to Toby. Either Leo and CJ filled him in, or he’d noticed on his own, probably on his own. “That’s not something the world knows, nor is it entitled to. Take that little fact away, and all you have is a politician sleeping with his assistant. Never mind the fact that Donna physically stopped me from putting my hand through a window again.” 

“Let me be perfectly clear here, Josh.” Toby began. “I’m not against you on this. Donna’s good for you, she always has been. She keeps you in line where no one else can. I’m the one that told her you were shot. The second I saw the gravity of what I was saying sink in to her, I knew there was nothing in this world she wouldn’t do for you. And she’s proven me right, I would venture a guess probably more than I know.” 

“You would be right.” Josh said quietly breaking eye contact. 

“I love Andy, but I’m never going to have with her or any other woman what you have with Donna. Donna’s real. She’s maintained her compassion, which is more than I can say for pretty much anybody else in that building.” 

“You know, for five years, Toby, it’s been about keeping sleaze away from her. The rumors, the looks I’ve seen people give her, girlfriends of mine, I didn’t want any of it to touch her. And it hasn’t. I did a good job, which is precisely why now I’m screwed.” 

“She’s genuine, Josh, but she’s not an idiot. She’s been around this town long enough to know what’s going to come next. She’s been here long enough to know that people say mean things.” 

“She’s worried about Amy.” 

“So am I.” Toby confessed. “I saw the looks she gave you this morning.” 

“Amy went up against me once and she lost her job.” 

“The East Wing is stuck in suspended animation, Josh. Amy’s a woman that’s got to be doing something. How long do you think it will be until she sells you out for her next move?” 

“You know, if there’s all these rumors, do we really think anyone would be surprised to find out they were true?” 

“They haven’t been true.” 

“No, but why shouldn’t I let people think they were?” 

“Because you’ve both dated other people.” Toby said. “For this to be above reproach, Josh, it needs to look like the real thing, not some on again off again-we’re-too-messed-up-to-get-our-shit-together thing. I think CJ can sell it to Katie Couric.” 

“Fine, but I want to be on the defensive.” Josh said. 

“What? Why?” 

“Because I want the proverbial ‘them’ to be the bad guys, Toby. I want them to throw their mud and cast their stones, and then I want Katie Couric to call them stupid. I don’t want it to look like we’re controlling the story. When we do that, it looks like we’re hiding something.” 

“Take the temperature of our friends.” Toby said, rising to leave. “Joe Quincy, Matt Skinner, and Ainsley Hayes, if you can track her down, will all give us honest opinions.” 

“You want me to do opposition research on me and Donna?” Josh said sarcastically. 

“Yeah, I do. You want to go on the defensive then I don’t want it to look like we’re floundering. They fire a shot and I want an immediate volley of return fire. I don’t want it to look like we’re scrambling to get our answers.” 

“Right.” Josh said running a hand down his face. 

“You coming in later?” Toby asked. “It’s Sunday, but the VP --” 

“Yeah, we’ll be in later.” Josh assured. 

“See you later then.” Toby said before disappearing out the apartment door. Josh sat on the couch, thinking about his conversation with Toby. Not once did he have to defend his feelings to Toby. Not once did he have to tell Toby he loved Donna. Toby already knew. 

He rose up off the couch and headed over to the bedroom. Donna was curled up around a pillow in a tight t-shirt and shorts pajama set, with her hair pulled out of her face in a ponytail. He wished he had a camera to capture this moment. She looked so young. She just looked so much better than what they’d say about her and he cursed himself for being such a weak man. He’d made it five years. He was finally starting to see the finish line and he caved in a moment of weakness. 

He leaned his head up against the door jamb a moment and continued to study her. Stanley was wrong. She did belong on a pedestal. She was there because she continued to do amazing things. Josh didn’t have to put her in any light because she WAS the light. She was the one that gave him purpose. 

He decided in that moment there were better uses for his time. He peeled off his clothes and dropped them on the floor on his way to the bed, then slid under the blankets with her and curled his body around his. He reached his hand as far down her leg as he could then slowly dragged it up her body, sliding it under her shirt, while gently kissing her exposed neck. 

She sighed and reached a hand back to him and smiled lightly as it came in contact with his bare hip. “Mmm…you weren’t naked before.” 

“And you say I can’t be stealthy.” He replied as she turned onto her back to open herself up to him. He immediately showed his appreciation by removing her shirt. She leaned in to him, as he ran his hand up her stomach to her breast, before dipping his head down and lazily running his tongue around. One of her hands came up to his head to hold him in place for a moment. While his mouth was occupied kissing and sucking his way around her chest, his hand had slid her bottoms down and set to work exploring the newly exposed area. She hissed softly as his fingers came in contact with her sensitive flesh. 

“Josh?” she said softly, cupping his face with her hands. 

“Yeah?” he asked meeting her eyes. 

“I’m sorry about before at the White House.” She said. 

“Donna…” 

“No, I don’t know what came over me.” She said. “All of the sudden, I just got so overwhelmed, and Amy was in the corner glaring at me --” 

“Don’t worry about Amy.” Josh insisted. “Seriously, I can take Amy. And don’t worry about before. It’s been a rough few days. It was probably just the tension breaking.” 

“I lost it in front of everybody, Josh.” Donna said. 

“Yeah, I think they were definitely a little creeped out by that.” he smirked. 

“Josh.” 

“Don’t apologize.” He insisted. “If I can’t apologize to you, you can’t apologize to me. Besides,” he said returning his lips to their previous location. “I had other ideas.” 

“Yes.” She sighed, arching her body to get closer to him. “You’re damn near brilliant sometimes.” He chuckled lightly against her skin while moving above her. She brought her hand up to his face as he seemed to study her closely. “Do you think Leo will let us keep working together?” 

“It seems like it.” He answered softly. “Is that what you’re worried about?” 

“I work there because I like working with you, Josh. I mean, it’s the White House and it’s great and all, but if you weren’t there, I don’t think it would be as exciting for me.” 

“Me either.” 

“That’s not true.” 

“Sure it is.” 

“You’ve always wanted to work in the White House.” 

“Yeah.” 

“I’d feel awful if you weren’t there because of me.” 

“I know you’re having a hard time believing this, Donna, but you seriously are more important to me than my career. Yes, I love my job, but my job doesn’t save my life, certainly not twice. I like making a difference, but it’s not worth losing you over. I can make a difference a hundred different places.” 

“If you left in a sex scandal, the press would have a field day. They’d draw parallels to you and Hoynes…” 

“Donna,” Josh said firmly. “for the second time, it won’t be a scandal. There’ll be questions about whether or not it’s appropriate for the workplace, I’m sure. There will be editorials written, I’m sure. I’m not going to have to resign. Did you hear Leo say anything like that to make you think that?” 

“No, but…” 

“Then, trust me please.” He pleaded. “And there aren’t any parallels that can be drawn between me and John Hoynes. He was married and having an affair. I’m not. He leaked classified information. I do not.” 

“Sorry.” She said quietly breaking eye contact. 

“Donna, are you afraid I can’t protect you from unwanted attention?” he hedged. 

“No.” she said quickly, snapping her gaze back to his. “You always have before.”   
He smiled and dropped his forehead against hers. He obviously wasn’t as stealthy in that department as he may have thought over the years. 

“I made a promise to you, Donna. Have I ever broken a promise to you?” 

“No.” 

“I won’t break this one either.” 

TBC


	9. When It Matters

Joe Quincy was a little surprised when Josh appeared in his office early in the morning. Joe hadn’t seen too much of Josh since that first day of work. Joe sometimes thought that Josh held him personally responsible for the downfall of the Vice President. It’s not like he came here looking to take down the administration from the inside. 

Of course, Joe’s rationale mind knew that wasn’t true, but there were times when Joe thought that Josh looked like him like he wasn’t really on the team. This time, however, he couldn’t really read whether or not it was one of those times. 

For Josh’s part, he liked to stay away from the Steam Pipe Trunk Distribution Venue. He didn’t harbor warm fuzzy feelings towards the last occupant of the office; that the Republican thought he didn’t like him was just an added bonus. 

“Something I can do for you, Josh?” Joe finally asked as he watched the Deputy Chief of Staff meander around his office for a bit. 

“How’s the job working out?” Josh asked, postponing the conversation as long as he could. 

“I’m consistently stunned at how many people try and sue the President and the White House.” Joe confessed. “Not to mention how many investigations are going on with their demand for document requests.” 

“Yeah.” 

“That stuff probably bores you though.” 

“Why?” 

“Donna always says you’re not a real lawyer.” Joe said with a smirk. 

Josh rolled his eyes. Next to his sensitive system, that was probably Donna’s favorite dig. “I went to Yale Law School, I not only passed the bar exam with flying colors, but passed it on the first shot, not an easy feat as three-quarters of lawyers know, but it may be true that I never practiced a day of law in my life. That is, unless you consider the fact that I write them all the time.” 

“Well, that should count for something.” Joe said. 

“Listen, she’s actually part of the reason why I came down here.” 

“I don’t want to date Donna.” Joe said quickly. 

“Excuse me?” Josh said, his eyebrows shooting up his forehead. 

“I mean she’s a very beautiful woman and all, but don’t worry. I’m not going to ask her out.” 

“What the hell are you talking about?” 

“When I first started, I asked Will Bailey about what was going on with you and her because it was kind of hard to tell, and well, she’s a very beautiful woman, and she’s always been so nice to me….” 

“You’re digging yourself deeper here, Joe.” Josh warned. 

“That’s my point.” Joe assured quickly. “Will said that he wasn’t really sure himself and he worked kind of closely with you guys, so just to be safe, I was better off operating under the general mantra of the rest of the men in the building, which is where Donna was concerned, you could look but don’t touch, but really, we’re just better off not even looking.” 

Josh paused for a minute trying to absorb what Joe just rambled off. “I don’t understand. Is it this office?” Josh asked walking around a bit. “Does it give off some kind of Donna’s hot vibe?” 

“What are you talking about?” Joe countered. 

“I don’t want to set you up with Donna.” Josh assured. 

“Oh.” Joe replied. “Because I’d totally go out with her.” 

“No, I don’t think so.” Josh replied. 

“Right.” 

“I tried to set her up with the last guy that occupied this office and it was a disaster. She ended up really liking him, they dated for months, and he screwed her over in the end.” Josh explained. 

“Who was it?” 

“Commander Jack Reese. Nancy McNally’s Deputy. He got transferred to Italy.” 

“Well, I don’t want to move to Italy.” 

“I didn’t transfer him.” Josh said, though he was impressed that people thought he had that kind of power. 

“Okay. So, you don’t want to set me up with Donna, but you’re here about her.” Joe said. “Is she in some kind of legal trouble?” 

“No.” Josh said. “Donna and I ARE together.” 

“That explains a lot.” 

“We’ve only been together since the night Zoe was abducted.” Josh explained. “I want your opinion on it.” 

“Dating someone’s not against the law, Josh.” 

“I want your opinion as a Republican.” Josh said a little more forcefully. 

“You’re doing opposition research on your love life?” Joe smirked. 

“Trust me when I say it wasn’t my idea.” Josh assured. “And it should be noted that Donna’s the reason you have your job.” 

“She is? How?” 

“You’re here because she thinks you’re cute. I wasn’t sure I could get around the Republican thing.” 

“You hired me because Donna thinks I’m cute?” 

“I’ve done stupider things than that for her, trust me.” Josh said. 

“It has nothing to do with the fact that I’m actually qualified for the job?” 

“It does.” Josh nodded. “But Donna thinking you’re cute tipped the scales in your favor. You know what? I don’t want to talk about that anymore. I want to get back to what people are going to think about me dating my assistant. You’re a Republican. Do you care?” 

“Being a Republican that works in the White House…” 

“Who will soon be opening the want ads, if he doesn’t stop jerking me around.” Josh warned. 

“I don’t know if I’d care, Josh, to be honest.” Joe admitted. “I’m a Republican lawyer. I’m not a House Representative looking for something.” 

“Well, that’s my next stop.” Josh replied. 

“It’s an important one.” Joe said. 

“Yeah.” 

“You know,” Joe hedged. “the night you interviewed me and that guy shot at the White House?” 

“Yeah.” 

“You said you heard The First Noel in your head, so you assumed shots were fired.” Joe continued cautiously. 

“Yeah.” 

“I told you that people either didn’t believe or didn’t care about that particular rumor.” 

“Yeah.” 

“You don’t have as many enemies as you might think you do.” Joe continued. “I mean, the ones you do have are pretty vocal, but there aren’t near as many as you think. And it turns out Donna doesn’t have any.” 

“She’s got one.” Josh said dryly thinking of Amy. 

“Well, you were right. It’s hard not to like Donna.” Joe said. “You’re a lucky guy. I thought that the day I started when she was all worried about that bird.” 

“You know how I said I’ve done stupider things for her?” Josh smirked. “I listened to that stupid bird tap all afternoon because she didn’t want me to scare it off. She was also very concerned for its beak.” 

“She’s compassionate.” Joe nodded. 

“Yeah.” Josh said slowly, finding it interesting Joe used the same word to describe her that Toby did. “I’ll see you later.” 

Josh left Joe’s office and slowly made his way back upstairs. Of course he knew Donna was compassionate. It’s one of the hundreds of reasons he loved her so much, and it was one of the reasons they got along so well professionally. She’d get very upset if something they were trying to pass was going to end up screwing the little guy. One of the reasons why he sought out her opinion was because those were the things she looked for in their work. 

When he finally made his way to the bullpen, he held back while he watched her work. She was tearing into the new intern Ryan. For the life of him, Josh couldn’t figure out why Leo thought it was a good idea to give him an intern. He had no idea what he was going to do with the kid, and apparently, his presence irked Donna. 

Josh walked over to Donna’s cubicle and leaned against the doorway, putting his hands in his pockets. When Donna looked up at him, she was a little alarmed at how tired he suddenly looked. He had gotten a good night’s sleep the past few nights, but he was looking a little pale. Before she could ask him about it, Ryan jumped in with his bitching. 

“Shouldn’t I be doing more?” Ryan whined. “I’m supposed to be learning stuff.” 

“If you want to actually learn something, Richie Rich, shut up and pay attention to what’s going on around you.” Josh replied. 

“Watch what?” Ryan shot back. “Donna type? She won’t tell me what she’s working on.” 

“She has a higher clearance level than you do.” Josh countered. Ryan grumbled and fell back against his chair and Josh turned his attention to Donna. “Would you call Matt Skinner’s office and tell them I’m on my way over.” 

He turned and walked back into his office and she immediately followed. “Why?” she asked curiously. 

“Because I need to talk to him.” He evaded. He wasn’t quite sure why he wasn’t ready to share what he was doing. He supposed he wanted to be able to come to her with a plan. 

“About what?” she prodded. 

“Something.” He evaded. 

“Josh! I have to tell them something.” 

“Tell them he’s also my friend and there’s something I need to talk to him about.” Josh replied. 

“You’re not going to tell me?” she pouted. 

“Eventually.” He assured. 

“What’s going on?” she immediately demanded. 

“Donna…” he said with a frustrated sigh and rubbed a hand down his face. 

“Are you feeling all right?” she continued. 

“What? Why do you ask that?” 

“You look a little pale.” She shrugged. 

“I do?” he frowned. 

“Yeah. I’m kind of concerned. You were finally sleeping again.” 

“I’m fine.” He waved her off. She was unconvinced, but dropped the subject for now. Her radar was up. She figured she’d get further just by observing him, just like she always did. He didn’t like to draw attention to any problems he might be having, choosing instead to focus on her. 

“Well,” she said turning to walk out and giving him one last skeptical look. “I’ll call and let them know you’re on your way over.” 

Her skepticism wasn’t lost on him. He knew she was concerned. He didn’t realize that he didn’t look good. But, he had had a strange feeling ever since he talked to Joe. It was unnerving. He felt almost like he was backtracking away from the progress he had made over the last few days. When she told him that the Congressman was available and waiting for him, he grabbed his keys and cell phone and left without another word, anxious to get away from her scrutiny. 

Her look of concern plagued him all the way over to the Hill, but he pushed it to the back of his mind as Matt Skinner came out to greet him. “Hey, Josh. How’s it going?” He greeted, shaking Josh’s hand and leading him into his office. 

“Good. You?” 

“Can’t complain, too much.” Matt replied, gesturing to Josh to sit down, but Josh preferred to remain standing. Matt knew Josh pretty well. They had grown up together and though there was little they agreed on politically, they had remained relatively close over the years. “It’s been a while.” 

“Yeah, sorry.” Josh said. “I need to talk to you about something.” 

“Sounds serious.” Matt said sitting down on the couch in his office. 

“Well, I’m hoping it’s not.” Josh said stuffing his hands in his pockets. “I probably would have talked to you about this eventually, but Toby’s kind of pushing me right now.” 

“Oh, shit. What’s going on?” Matt asked. 

“It’s not that dire. In fact, you probably won’t be the slightest bit shocked to hear this.” 

“You’re coming out of the closet?” 

“WHAT!?” 

“I always had my suspicions, you know.” Matt said. “But you did date Amy Gardner and she’s a man-eating piranha, so that kind of threw me off the scent.” 

“Are you kidding me?” Josh yelped. 

“But, then again, it’s been five years of you and your hopeless crush on Donna…” Matt continued as if Josh hadn’t spoken, but once he saw Josh’s glare he stopped. “Oh, right. I forgot. We’re not supposed to bring that up. So, what’s going on?” 

“You know, I don’t know if I’m going to tell you now.” Josh threatened. 

“As long as you don’t tell me you’re marrying Amy.” 

“No. It’s got nothing to do with Amy.” Josh assured. “However, it’s highly probable marriage will eventually be involved here.” 

“Really?” 

“Uh-huh.” 

“Who’s the unfortunate woman who will never be Donna?” Matt grinned. 

“Donna.” 

“Seriously.” 

“Seriously.” 

“Does she know this?” 

“The marriage part?” Josh asked. “No.” 

“This is the newest addendum to your plan of figuring out how you can get Donna?” Matt countered. “May I ask why you think that just asking her out won’t work? She obviously likes you.” 

“She loves me, as a matter of fact.” 

“So, your deluded mind has convinced itself.” 

“So, she told me herself, many, many times over the last week or so, and it’s usually followed rather enthusiastic sex.” 

“You were awake for this?” 

“Absolutely.” 

“I don’t believe it.” Matt said. “Can I ask her?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Right now?” 

“Later.” Josh said. “For now, I’m wondering what I’m looking at.” 

“From us?” Matt asked, and Josh nodded in reply. “I’m not really sure.” Matt confessed. “It’s been awhile, so no one can really say she slept her way into the job. Of course, they can say you’ve been a thing all along.” 

“But Republicans like you will say that’s not true.” 

“I’m not sure I’m inclined to do you any favors. After all, this was a pretty momentous change in your life that you waited to tell me about.” 

“Well, you may be pissed at me, but you like Donna and you’re not about to hang her out to dry.” 

“True.” 

“It’s also because I’ve been having…” Josh started and trailed off gesturing with his hand. 

“A lot of sex with Donna?” Matt finished. 

“Yeah, but I’ve also been having a thing.” Josh said softly, looking away. 

“A THING thing?” 

“Yeah.” 

“I would have thought that was the absolute last time you’d want to start something with Donna.” 

“It is.” Josh nodded. “But she sort of took over and I really didn’t have much say about it. Plus, I wasn’t a hundred percent sure at the time that I didn’t imagine the whole thing.” 

Matt rubbed his chin a bit and looked at his friend thoughtfully. He was privy to information that a lot of people in his party would kill to have on Josh. But, Matt would never dream of giving his friend up, especially since he knew how hard it was for Josh to tell him in the first place. “Did you call Dr. What’s-his-name?” 

“Yeah. He refilled my prescription.” 

“But, you’re not taking it.” Matt concluded. 

“I thought I was doing okay without it.” Josh said defensively. 

“You know, this thing with Donna just started, and you’re going to fuck it up by being stupid. She’s going to flip out when she finds out you didn’t start taking you, you know she is.” 

“I’m not here for relationship advice.” 

“Well, you’re getting it, so shut up and do what I say.” 

“That’s not what I’m here about anyway.” Josh reminded Matt. 

“I don’t really know that you’re looking at too big a problem.” Matt said. “It’s kind of, like, old news around here. People will just think they’re been right all along.” 

“And they’ll have a shitty opinion of Donna.” 

“Nobody around here has a shitty opinion of Donna, Josh.” Matt laughed. “Why do you think so many guys around here want to come to the White House to meet with you instead of making you come here?” 

“Well, after that revelation, you can expect to see me around here a lot more.” Josh grumbled. 

“People like Donna, Josh. She’s nice. She smiles at them, an actual real smile. When Donna comes out to the lobby to bring somebody to a meeting with you, you actually FEEL like she’s happy to see you. My assistant makes people feel like they’re being called to the principle’s office. It’s creepy.” Matt said. “You’ll have a problem with the more conservative ones, but you didn’t have their vote anyway. And I’ve been telling you this for years anyway. YOU’RE the one that’s been convinced it’ll be the end of her and it comes from your ridiculous notions that you’re not allowed by some crazy higher power to be happy.” 

“I got a shrink, thanks.” 

“You’re not listening to him.” 

“You’ve stopped being amusing.” 

“You didn’t come here for the entertainment.” 

“Yes. Well, I’ve learned long ago to take off when it looks like you’re going to start to make sense. If I started listening to you, you wouldn’t get to be the ‘I told you so’ guy.” 

“Be that as it may, she’s the best thing that ever happened to you.” Matt shot back. 

“I know.” Josh insisted. 

“Then don’t fuck it up.” 

TBC


	10. When It Matters

Donna walked into the darkened living of Josh’s apartment. She could barely make out his silhouette on the couch. As she quietly drew closer, she saw him sitting there with his head in his hands, propped on his knees. She paused when she saw how strongly he was clutching his head. 

“Josh?” she asked quietly. 

When he didn’t answer, she approached slowly and knelt before him. “Josh, are you all right?” He was startled when he felt her hand on his shoulder and reflexively jumped out of her reach. “I’m sorry.” She said quickly, trying to keep her voice calm. 

“Are you all right?” he asked her when his eyes could focus again. 

“Yes, of course, I am.” She smiled gently, bringing her hand up to his face. “What’s going on?” 

He pressed his palms to his forehead and fell back against the couch. She immediately moved, turned a lamp on, and sat right next to him, facing him and gently rubbing his chest. “It won’t stop.” 

“What won’t stop?” 

“The images, the sounds. It won’t stop.” He groaned. 

She saw the pill container on the coffee table in front of him and gingerly picked it up. “Do you think maybe the prescription’s not strong enough?” 

“I haven’t taken any yet.” He admitted. 

She froze in place. He’d had this prescription for nearly a week and he hadn’t taken any? What the hell was going on? Her first instinct was to yell and flip out on him, but she successfully tamped it down and forced herself to remain calm. If he was having a problem, the last thing she wanted to do was agitate him more. She knew first hand what happened when he hit his limit. 

“Why not?” she asked as simply as she could. When he didn’t answer, she prodded him a little more firmly. “Josh?” 

“It has side effects, Donna.” He said, leaning forward again. 

“What kind of side effects?” 

“Insomnia, nausea, shortness of breath, memory loss, fever, lightheadedness, numbing, other physical side effects that weren’t a problem the last time because I wasn’t seeing anyone…” he trailed off. 

She smiled as she realized what exactly it was he was telling her. “Josh, what is the likelihood of that particular side effect?” 

“There is one. That’s good enough for me.” 

“Well, I appreciate you’re looking out for my needs…” she began. 

“My needs, too.” 

“And as much as I enjoy that particular activity as ours, I don’t want to see you like this.” She said. “It’s not like you’ll be on this stuff forever.” 

“Don’t talk to me like I’m broken.” He snapped. 

“I don’t think you’re broken.” She immediately shot back. He was surprised by the heat behind her words and took his hands of his forehead. “How can you think I see you like that?” she demanded. 

“I’m sorry.” He said softly. She pursed her lips and stood up, stomping over to the kitchen table. “Donna, I’m sorry.” He said more emphatically, not understanding her intent in walking away from him. She grabbed his laptop out of his backpack and returned to his side powering it up. 

“What are you going to do, search the web for a new boyfriend?” he quipped. 

“Don’t tempt me.” She glared. 

“I’m sorry.” He groaned again, dropping his head to her shoulder. She brought one hand up to gently stroke his hair as the other one logged onto to the internet. He closed his eyes against the soft strokes of her fingers, mentally kicking himself for not having told her sooner. The setback would freak her out for days now. At least it wasn’t as severe as it was originally. “What are you looking at?” 

“I’m going to Google Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder treatment.” She announced. “There’s got to be another drug Stanley can give you with more mild side effects or none at all.” 

“See? You’re not willing to give up the sex either.” He smirked. 

“I was, actually, you’re not.” 

“It makes me throw up, too, if that means anything.” He shot back. “And I think memory loss is a bit of an occupational hazard in my particular position, don’t you think?” 

“Joshua, I’m trying to help you here.” She said with a certain amount of edge of her voice. 

“Sorry.” He said again. 

“Josh, I don’t want you to keep apologizing to me.” She said lightly. “I told you, none of this is your fault.” 

“Kay.” 

“And I don’t see you as broken.” 

“I know. I don’t know why I said that. I didn’t mean it.” 

“Sertaline.” She said clicking open a medical website. 

“Sertaline?” he asked. “Isn’t that Zoloft?” 

“Mmm-hmm.” She confirmed scrolling through the screen. “And your little issue isn’t on here…oh.” 

“Oh? Oh what?” he asked picking his head up. “I didn’t like that oh.” 

She pointed to the screen where she was reading the side effects. He quickly read through them: loss of appetite, skin rash, nervousness, dizziness, nausea, headaches…. 

“Abnormal ejaculation?” 

“It’s not the other thing though.” 

“Abnormal like how?” he asked. “Like, standing in the Oval Office?” 

“No, Joshua.” She said grinning. “I think you have to be, you know, doing something.” 

“I don’t do anything like that in the Oval Office.” 

“I should hope not.” 

“I don’t like this, Donna.” 

“I know.” She said. “But you don’t stay on the stuff forever, AND it says side effects CAN be. That doesn’t mean you’ll have any one of those issues.” 

He sighed heavily and looked over at the screen. “How can someone have sleepiness and insomnia?” 

“You COULD have any one of those symptoms or none at all.” She moved the laptop over to the coffee table and then slouched down next to him, taking his hand in hers. “You can’t stay like this, Josh, you just can’t.” He blew out a breath, and she swung her leg over him and straddled above him. “It breaks my heart to see you hurt like this, Josh. I know in your own twisted way you were somehow thinking of me, but I can’t allow you to go on like this. Please call Stanley tomorrow and talk to him about the Sertaline. For me.” 

“No fair; you’re playing dirty.” He grumbled. In response, she pulled her shirt over her head. 

“What if I leveled the playing field?” she asked huskily. 

“I don’t know.” He said trying to maintain his composure. “I don’t want to have an abnormal ejaculation.” His eyes widened and he yelped when she started mercilessly tickling his sides. “Donna!” he cried out squirming beneath her. In their wrestling, they changed positions and ended up lying down on the couch with him pinning her on her back. 

“I’ll take my chances.” She whispered leaning up and placing an open mouthed kiss on his neck. 

“That’s a compelling argument you’re making there.” He groaned, turning his head to give her more access. 

“You’re the one that told me if you’re going in, to go all in.” 

“I think that might be the hottest thing you’ve ever said to me.” He grinned, dropping his head to her collarbone, but she gently pulled his head back up to meet her eyes. 

“You’re not broken.” She repeated. 

“I just want to be the same guy you met in Nashua.” He whispered. 

“You’re better than him now.” She smiled. 

“How’s that?” he asked scrunching up his forehead. 

“Well, for one, you finally drank my love potion.” She smiled. 

“I knew that wasn’t Yoohoo.” 

“For two, that guy didn’t have the slightest idea what the hell he was going to do with me.” 

“No.” Josh chuckled dropping his head into her shoulder. “He really didn’t.” She wrapped her arms around him and gently rubbed his back. “All I knew was that you meant every word you said and I couldn’t resist you. I never had an assistant I didn’t have to share with anybody. I had no idea what I was supposed to give you to do.” 

“So, that’s how I ended up doing so much more than the other assistants do?” 

“I thought you liked it.” 

“I do. But, it makes it so I don’t have time to bring you coffee.” 

“You’ve brought me coffee.” 

“You hardly ask for it.” 

“I’m not an idiot.” 

“You’ve turned us into something more than that.” 

“Only because, like I said, I had no idea what to do with you.” 

“Well, it seems you’ve charted a course.” She said saucily, glancing pointedly down to where his thumb was idly running back and forth over her breast. 

“I wasn’t planning on falling in love with you.” He replied. “I thought I was impervious to my young, beautiful, blonde, mouthy assistant.” He shifted his weight so they were lying on their sides facing each other and pulled a blanket down over them when he saw her shiver. He could have given her back her shirt, but that wasn’t all that likely. 

“I thought you were impervious for a while.” 

“I thought it was glaringly obvious that I wasn’t.” 

“Sometimes I thought it was, but then…” 

“Let’s not talk about the thens tonight.” He said pulling her close to him. 

“Okay.” She agreed burrowing down against him. 

“You make it so easy for me, Donna.” He sighed softly. “You’re right there, and you make it so easy for me to crawl under the covers, lick my wounds, and let you take care of me.” 

“Well, when you let me…” 

“I know, I know.” He sighed. “I’d say I’ll try harder, but that might be a promise I can’t keep.” 

“You’re lucky I love you and see through your bull shit.” 

“You have no idea.” 

“Yes, I do.” 

TBC


	11. When It Matters

“I’m collecting all the guns you’ve banned and there’s a bullet in each one with your name on it.” Stanley read out loud from the paper Josh had handed him. He looked up from the visitor’s chair in Josh’s office to where Josh was pacing with his hands on his hips behind his desk. “This got sent to Donna?” 

“Uh-huh.” Josh said. 

“When?” 

“The day before that guy shot at the White House, about three weeks ago.” 

“Was it what they call a credible threat?” Stanley asked. 

“No.” 

“But you kept a copy of it.” 

“Yeah, I don’t know....” Josh said. 

“Josh, do you remember what I said about not putting Donna in a light she doesn’t belong in?” 

“Yeah.” Josh said. “I don’t. I try not to anyway. I know she doesn’t have a magic wand and she’s not, like, Super Shrink.” 

“Josh,” Stanley continue. “you do realize that Donna’s mortal, right?” 

Josh stopped in his tracks and looked at Stanley in surprise. “What? Of course I do.” he laughed nervously. “Everybody’s mortal. Nobody knows that more than me, Stanley. I mean, I lose people all the time. I nearly lost my own life.” 

“Yeah, I know you know on the rational level that she is, but I don’t think you think it could ever really happen.” Stanley hedged. “I think you’re banking on her out-living you.” 

“Well, I’m 12 years older than her. That’s not out of the realm of possibility.” 

“True, but I don’t think you take into account that something tragic could happen to her.” Stanley said. 

“Aren’t therapists supposed to make you feel better?” Josh said and resumed his pacing. He absently began scratching his arm, then stopped and glared at Stanley. “This stupid Sertaline makes me itchy!” 

“Sometimes that happens.” Stanley nodded. 

“I’m also not very hungry.” 

“Sometimes that happens, too.” 

Josh ran his hands through his hair and walked in little circles, looking up at the ceiling. “I think it’s making me edgier than I normally am.” 

“Nice try.” 

“What?” 

“I think the topic of conversation is making you edgier than you normally are.” 

“What topic of conversation?” 

“The something crappy can happen to Donna topic of conversation.” 

“What can happen to Donna?” Josh laughed and resumed his pacing. 

“The same stuff that can happen to you or me. She can get hit by a bus, she can get in a car accident, some idiot could shoot her.” 

“Okay, just stop.” Josh ordered holding up his hand for emphasis and dropping down into his chair. Stanley gave Josh a few moments to regroup before looking at him pointedly. 

“What?” Josh demanded. Stanley shrugged but continued to look at him with the same expression. “You’re telling me that I just have to be accepting of that fact that she’s going to die one day, and just go about my day?” 

“I didn’t say anything like that; in fact, I didn’t say anything at all.” 

“I could tell.” 

“That’s what I like about therapy with you, Josh. I don’t really need to be here. You do the whole thing yourself.” Stanley quipped. 

“Well, you’re always so big on ‘Only you can answer that question, Josh.’” 

“Nice try.” 

“Stanley....” 

“Josh, you’ve had a confluence of events here.” Stanley began, and ignored Josh’s snort in response. “Someone sent Donna a death threat, someone else shot at the White House, Zoey was kidnapped, and one of her agents was killed, and you had a PTSD episode. Not to mention there being no Vice President, the President stepping aside, and you and Donna starting a romantic relationship that you’re just waiting for someone to say you’re not allowed to have.” 

“Well, when you put it like that, Stanley, it sounds like I should be stressed out or something.” 

“Josh...” 

“Good thing I’m on Zoloft, which is making me itchy as shit. I think I have fleas. Am I allowed to take Benedryl with this?” 

“A small dose should be fine.” 

“I think I’m chafing.” 

“I can put you back on the other stuff.” 

“No!” 

“Then you’re going to be itchy for a little while.” 

“What do you want me to say, Stanley?” 

“I don’t WANT you to say anything, Josh.” Stanley said. “I want you to be honest.” 

“Yes! I’m terrified! I’m terrified that some fucking whack job is going to take her from me. I’m terrified that some drunk driver is going to hit on her side. I am absolutely terrified at the very idea of not having her in my life anymore. There. I said it. Analyze away.” 

“There’s nothing to analyze, Josh.” Stanley chuckled. “It’s called love. Everyone feels that way. Do you think Donna doesn’t feel that way? Hell, Donna was actually faced with it.” 

“Okay, so what was the point of all that?” 

“Getting you to admit it.” Stanley said simply. “That’s what therapy is about, Josh. It’s about getting you to admit things, face them, and move on.” 

“It’s just she and my mother are the one constant in my life, the one thing I can depend upon.” Josh said, sinking further into his chair and turning to the window. “My sister died, my father died, people come and go, jobs come and go, loyalties come and go. My mother and Donna are always there, they’re always taking care of me, they’re always catching me when I fall. The sun rises in the morning, and Donna’s going to be there. It’s an absolute. And Donna’s there for me with an intensity and a passion I’ve never witnessed before in my life, Stanley. Do you know what kind of responsibility that is? Donna’s got one requirement in this relationship, she always has. ‘Don’t break my heart.’” 

“Your heart?” 

“Her heart. That’s all she wants. It’s okay if I get mad; it’s okay if she has to tackle me to the floor, practically dislocating a shoulder in the process, to get me to not hurt myself; it’s okay if I snap at her; it’s okay if I screw up. I just can’t break her heart. And one day, I will. I know I will. It’s just the kind of guy I am.” 

“I think she knows that, Josh.” Stanley said with a nod. “I think she knows exactly the kind of guy you are. Donna doesn’t seem to have blinders on when it comes to you. I used to think she did. When I first talked to her before you and I first met, I was expecting you to come into that room walking on water. Imagine my surprise when you were just you.” 

“So, you’re saying she puts me in a light I shouldn’t be in?” 

“No, I think she’s got you where you’re supposed to be.” Stanley said. “She’s probably got a little case of hero worship, but you come through for her, and you like that. You’ve canonized Donna, and if I had your life, I probably would have, too. But, you fight for things for her. In fact, I’ll bet you fight harder for something when it’s her you’re fighting for.” 

“Shouldn’t it be that way?” Josh asked turning back to Stanley. “Shouldn’t you fight harder for the person you love? Shouldn’t you be willing to sacrifice for them?” 

“It’s not the love part you’ve got a problem with, Josh.” Stanley said rising out of his chair and grabbing his briefcase. “It’s the guilt.” 

“What are you doing?” 

“We’re done.” 

“You’re like Batman, you know that?” 

“I do.” Stanley nodded. 

“Just so you know, it makes your patients feel like you don’t love them.” 

“Talk to many of my patients?” 

“Just one.” 

“You don’t need my love, Josh.” Stanley said turning toward the door. “Call my office and set up a phone session for next week.” 

Stanley disappeared through his office door, and was immediately replaced by Donna. “You okay?” she asked walking in with messages. 

“You know, he’s not Batman; he’s Kaiser Sousa.” 

“All right.” she said, sifting through the messages in order of priority. 

“Do you have any Benedryl?” 

“Here?” 

“Anywhere.” 

“There’s Benedryl at your apartment.” she said. “Why?” 

“I’m really itchy.” 

“Can I get you something to eat? You haven’t eaten lunch.” 

“I’m not hungry.” 

“How about a salad then?” she said. “It’s light. You need nourishment, Josh.” 

“I need to not be medicated.” he countered. 

“Well, you ARE medicated, so that point is moot. You do, however, still need to eat.” 

“All right. I’ll try and choke it down.” 

“There’s my good boy.” 

She dropped the messages on his desk and turned and left his office. Josh felt compelled to follow her, so he popped out of her chair and walked out to her cubicle and leaned against the doorframe and he watched her move about her work space, putting things away. 

“What’s wrong?” she asked when she noticed him watching her. He shrugged in response. “Do you need something?” 

“I don’t want to be in there right now.” he said hooking his thumb back towards his office. 

“Why not?” 

“Because Stanley was just there. It’s creepy now.” he said with a slight shudder. 

“So, you’re going to stay out here and bug me then?” She smirked. “Why don’t you go to the mess and get your lunch then?” 

“Why don’t we go for a walk down to the Mall?” he suggested instead. 

“Are you sure you’re feeling okay?” she asked stopping and looking him over. 

“Yeah.” he nodded. “I think I just need to regroup.” 

“All right.” she nodded, grabbing her cell phone from her purse before returning it to her desk drawer and locking it. “We don’t have long. You have Matt Skinner at 5:30.” 

“Oh,” Josh said with a hand wave. “He’s just coming here so I can prove to him that we’re really together.” 

Donna’s eyes widened as a few staffers nearby stopped and stared in surprise. “Nice one!” she laughed. 

“Okay. Well, you had to know it was me that was going to screw it up!” He squeaked before looking at the nearby staffers. “Go back to work!” 

“Josh,” Donna sighed. “It’s not their fault you stuck your foot in your mouth...again.” 

“Well, it’ll soften the ground.” Josh dismissed. 

“I think I should take over, Joshua.” Donna said, dropping her phone into her pocket and walking over to him. “Clearly, under your tender care, you’re going to lead us right into hell.” 

“Well, that was a given; wasn’t it?” he asked, taking her hand and leading her out of the bullpen. 

“You’re really tempting fate now.” she said raising their linked hands as they passed various people on their way to the lobby. “CJ’s going to smack you. We’re supposed to do it their way.” 

“CJ won’t hit me now.” Josh assured. “She’s too afraid of setting me off; she’ll save it for later.” 

“No one’s afraid of setting you off, Joshua.” Donna sighed as they made their way outside. 

“They should be. I could go off at any second.” 

“You’re underestimating yourself again.” she said. “And you shouldn’t be holding my hand like this in public.” 

“Why the hell not?” he demanded. 

“Because there’s supposed to be a plan.” Donna reminded. “We’re supposed to be careful.” 

“It’s harmless hand holding, Donna. We’re not making out on the steps of Capitol.” 

“Well, that would give Matt Skinner his proof.” she chuckled. 

“I just...” he said, looking down at their linked hands as they walked. “I needed to touch you.” he said softly. 

“That’s very sweet.” she smiled. 

“Don’t say stuff like that, there’s people around.” he ordered. 

“Well, they’ve got to wonder what I see in you.” she said gesturing to the people walking on the sidewalk around them. 

“Let them wonder.” 

“All right.” she sighed rolling her eyes. But she was still unsure about the hand holding, so she looped her arm around his bicep instead and he absently moved his hands to his pockets. This, she thought, looked a little more friendly. Maybe she wasn’t ready for everyone to know about them yet; maybe she wasn’t ready to watch heat being thrown at him by conservatives, which was bound to happen. But she just felt the need to protect him for just a little bit longer. 

TBC


	12. When It Matters

“Well, this certainly is a fetching picture.” CJ said tossing a newspaper down onto Josh’s desk. Even as he picked it up, he knew it must have been of him and Donna. Sure enough, it was. It was a beautifully timed shot, too. It was before she had changed her mind about holding hands. She had said something, and he turned and looked at her to answer her. And so, there they were, walking along, holding hands and looking at each other, portraying the very image of a cute couple in love. 

“Well, take that and me basically announcing it in the bullpen yesterday,” Josh sighed tossing the paper down. “and that’s the ball game.” 

“I wanted more control over it than this.” CJ replied. 

“Well, the caption just indicates who we are. Is there a story?” 

“No.” CJ said. “Thankfully, there is no accompanying article, but you can be sure the gossip columns and op-ed pieces will be following very soon.” 

“Well, then, let’s see what they have to say.” Josh shrugged sitting back in his chair. 

“What about the sit down?” 

“We probably won’t need it.” 

“You don’t think this is going to be a big deal?” 

“I don’t know. Joe Quincy and Matt Skinner don’t seem to think it will be. They both say that Donna’s got a very good reputation and is well liked.” Josh explained. “It’s probably because she’s more friendly with Republicans than she should be.” 

“What on Earth made you go out like that?” CJ demanded gesturing to the paper on his desk. 

“I’d already slipped up in the bullpen.” he replied. “I was feeling bold.” 

“Josh...” 

“I’m not going to hide her, CJ.” he shot back. “I’d probably be dead right now if it wasn’t for her. I’d certainly be much worse off than I am right now, that’s for certain. Let them say what they’re going to say. I will answer all of their questions. But, I’m not going to slink around like I’ve got something to hide or I think that she’s not worthy of me, when it is clearly the other way around. She deserves better than that.” 

“You do, too, you know.” CJ said with a small smile. 

“Whatever.” Josh dismissed. “The point is that Donna get through this without people getting the wrong idea and with as little harassment as possible.” 

“Well, some people are going to have the wrong idea. There’s just nothing we can do about that. We can probably keep the harassment to a minimum, too.” 

“I’d like it to be at zero.” 

“Then you never should have kissed her.” CJ replied. 

“Well, it’s too late for that. I am quite clearly past the point of no return.” 

“For the sake of argument, Josh,” CJ began, crossing her arms and leaning up against his bookcase. “Just so I can have all the information and not be blind sided, have you considered transferring her?” 

“That’s not on the table.” he said immediately shaking his head. 

“Between you and me, may I ask why?” 

“CJ, if she worked in a different department, what are the chances that she would have figured out what was going on? Not only that, but if my life depended on it, I couldn’t lie to her. She sees right through everything. In addition to that, we like working together. We’re a good team, and she gets way more experience with me than she would anywhere else. She handles stuff that even the assistant deputies don’t and she’s got good relationships with the players on the Hill, in some cases, much better than I do. When we leave here, CJ, many doors are going to open for her.” 

“And so you figure you’ll just blaze the trail for workplace dating?” she smirked. 

“Sure.” he nodded. “Who the hell’s going to say anything to me? At least no one in this building.” 

“It’s not you I’m worried about, Josh.” 

“One person says one nasty thing to her, CJ,” Josh said dropping the volume of his voice to a range CJ only heard him use when threatening members of Congress. “I don’t care who it is, they will not be able to find their body. I will tear into whoever the poor unfortunate fool is that has the audacity to say anything that’s less than gracious.” 

“As your friend, I’d pay money to see that; as the press secretary, do it, Joshua, and I will kick your ass.” 

“You and I will probably have a rumble then, CJ. Consider yourself on notice. I will do everything in my power to hold my temper, but that’s not easy to do when it’s someone giving Donna a hard time.” 

“Yes, Joshua, you’ve been fairly obvious over the years.” CJ sighed, pushing herself off the bookcase. 

Donna poked her head in then. “Josh, line two.” She said. She was about to pop back through the doorway when he stopped her. 

“You want to tell me who it is?” He asked raising his eyebrows. 

“Not particularly.” she called back and CJ chuckled. Watching their day-to-day dealings, one would have no idea that anything in their relationship had changed. 

“Donnatella!” Josh called. 

“What?” she said with mock drama coming back in. 

“Who the hell is on the phone?” 

“My mother.” 

“YOUR mother?” 

“Yes, my mother is on the phone for you.” 

“Why?” 

“She wants to talk to you.” 

“About?” 

“Your intentions towards her little girl.” Donna smiled angelically. 

“I thought you told her we were together.” Josh squeaked. 

“I did.” Donna nodded. “But that was before our picture showed up on CSPAN.” 

“It’s on CSPAN?” Josh groaned dropping his head in his hands. 

“Yes, sir.” 

“Is it bad?” 

“It’s speculative enough that my mother’s calling.” 

Josh rolled his eyes over to CJ. “I’m on it. I’m on it.” CJ said, leaving the office in transit to get the tape of the segment the picture appeared on. 

“Is she going to take my head off?” 

“No.” Donna smiled walking around his desk to stand in front of him. “But she is going to give you the third degree.” 

“Can’t you get me out of it?” he whined. 

“If you can handle Haffley, you can handle my mother.” Donna laughed kissing him quickly before running from the room. Josh sighed and picked up the phone. 

“Hi, Mrs. Moss.” 

“Lynn.” 

“Hi, Lynn.” 

“How are you, Joshua?” Donna’s mother asked. “Donna said you’ve been...unwell.” 

“I’m all right.” he said. 

“Just all right?” 

“Yes.” 

“The most interesting picture was on television.” 

“Yeah, I saw it.” he said. “It’s in the paper here.” 

“Donna said you two are together now. She’s very happy.” 

“WE’RE very happy.” 

“Is that right?” 

“Yes, ma’am.” 

“I’m kind of concerned about the things people might say about Donna.” Lynn ventured. “She’s a good girl and she’s got a thin skin. I’d hate to see what personal attacks might do to her.” 

“You’ve met me before, Lynn.” Josh reminded. “You know how argumentative I can be.” 

“Well, yes. I do.” 

“Well, can you imagine any circumstance that I wouldn’t tear some pathetic little snot limb from limb for so much as looking at her the wrong way?” 

There was a momentary silence on the other end of the line. “No, Joshua. I can’t.” Lynn finally said. 

“I love your daughter, Lynn.” Josh said. “She is everything to me, and she’s saved my life twice. As long as there is a breath in this body, I will fight anyone who tries to take her on.” 

“You’re a good boy, Joshua.” 

“Thank you, Lynn.” 

“About the dairy farmers...” 

“The what? No!” 

“All right. I’ll save that particular argument for Thanksgiving.” 

“Fine. Wait. What? Thanksgiving?” 

“You and Donna are flying out here for Thanksgiving. Make sure you tell Donna, please. Bye bye, dear!” 

Before Josh could utter a single protest, the line went dead. What the hell just happened? Donna must have been watching his extension from her desk because she was immediately in his office. 

“What happened?” 

“We’ve been ordered to Wisconsin for Thanksgiving.” Josh said, still a little amazed at what had just transpired. 

“Is that a bad thing?” Donna cringed. 

“Did you know she was going to do that?” 

“No. But, I’m not surprised.” 

“If one person tries to make me wear a cheese hat, Donna, I will never let you forget it.” Josh warned. 

“I’m sorry.” Donna said a little apprehensively and looking away. “I really didn’t know she was going to do that. I can talk to her if you want me to.” 

“Donna,” Josh said. “I know it’s only June and November is almost six months away, but I did assume we’d be together at Thanksgiving.” 

“You did?” she smiled tentatively at him. 

“And many more after this one, yes.” he smiled rising out of his chair and crossing over to her. 

“Yeah?” she smiled again. 

“Yeah!” he laughed, pulling her into her arms. “Donna, you’re not just the only woman I’ve ever said I love you to, but you’re the only woman I’ve ever been in love with. I wish you’d stop thinking I was going to bolt.” 

“I’m sorry, Josh.” she sighed.. “I’m just so terrified that once this starts affecting your career that you may not have a choice...” 

“Well, there is no choice, Donna.” he interrupted. “It’s you. If it comes to a choice between you and my career, I’ll get another career.” 

“Joshua.” she said knowingly. 

“I have a law degree, Donna, it’s not impossible.” 

“Oh God, Josh, don’t even say that as a joke.” she said dramatically. 

“You crack me up, you really do.” She sighed and looked up at him, and he could still see the fear there. “Donna, I don’t ever want to be without you. I want to marry you one day.” 

“You do?” she asked, her eyes filling up with tears, and he nodded. “The last guy that wanted to marry me took all my money, had an affair and left me with a very large phone bill.” 

“Donna, if you would tell me his full name, I’d get every cent back.” he said adamantly. 

“I know you would.” she smiled. “And I know you would never do anything like that. I’m just saying, that’s the kind of guy that usually likes me.” 

“Well, I don’t like you; I love you.” 

“I love you, too.” 

“So, this is a huge round about way of saying I’ll go to Wisconsin for Thanksgiving.” 

“Well, what about your mother?” Donna asked. “You spend every Thanksgiving with your mother.” 

“And every Thanksgiving, she asks me why I’m not spending it with a woman.” 

“Maybe she’ll want to go to Wisconsin.” Donna suggested. 

“And maybe you can just stab me a few times with carving knife while we’re out there.” he shot back. 

“Well, Josh, if you actually are going to marry me, sooner or later they’re going to meet.” 

“And they’ll hit it off, I’m sure, and proceed to make our lives hell. I’d just as soon put that off as long as possible, thank you, very much.” 

“All right, fine.” she said stepping away and moving towards the door. He went back behind his desk and dropped down into his chair. Donna stopped at the threshold of the door and turned around. “Listen, I did something on lunch.” 

“I’m not going to like this, am I?” 

“Not so much, no.” 

“What?” he sighed with dread. 

“Romeo.” 

“What?” 

“My cat, Romeo.” 

“You took him to a shelter?” Josh asked. 

“No.” she said with warning. “I took him to your place.” 

“Donna!” Josh whined dropping his head to his hands on his desk. “Why, why, why?” 

“I’m there more than I’m at my place anyway. I don’t want to be unfair to him.” she hurried in a pleading voice. Josh peeked up at her, and sure enough, she was pouting for good measure. 

“This right here?” he replied, waving a finger back and forth between them. “This should be all the assurance you need that my love for you knows no bounds. I hate cats, Donna.” 

“You’re a prince among men, Joshua.” she cooed in return before disappearing from his office. 

He stared at the empty doorway for a moment thinking that he couldn’t think of anyone else on the planet he’d subject himself to being a cat owner for. 

Donna walked out to her desk and sat down at her computer to get back to work. 

“Donna, can I talk to you for a minute?” 

Donna looked up to see Katie Witt standing there at the entrance to her cubicle. 

“Oh,” Donna replied unsure. “I’m not really supposed to talk to press, Katie, unless it’s cleared through Josh.” 

“It’s not about a story.” Katie quickly dismissed. “I’m not looking for a quote or an interview or anything like that, and this is so far off the record. CJ gave me permission to come back here.” 

“Okay.” Donna said still apprehensively. 

“I just wanted to let you know that we decided kind of collectively, not to bother you and Josh.” Katie said. “It’s certainly juicy gossip, but after all these years of traveling with you guys and being around all of you, we’re just not really surprised you got together.” 

“Katie, I know the picture looks pretty incriminating, but...” 

“Donna, again,” Katie interrupted. “I’ve traveled with you guys for six years. I know you’re seeing my press badge and still getting nervous, but really, I know the real thing when I see it, and it’s been so obvious that he just adores you. I’m not saying that there’s not going to be anything in the gossip columns of any of our papers or that our papers aren’t going to print some kind of unfavorable editorial. I wish I could say that, but I can’t. I just wanted you to know that any of the actual White House reporters aren’t going to bother with it. We think you’re sweet, and Josh...well, Josh is really entertaining.” 

“Okay.” Donna smiled. “Well, thanks, Katie.” 

“You know, as a thank you, you could send him in to do a briefing.” Katie smiled mischievously. 

“CJ will kill him.” Donna said rolling her eyes. 

“Well, congratulations, Donna.” Katie said stepping away. “I always thought you guys would make a cute couple.” 

“Thanks, Katie.” 

Katie walked away, just as Josh entered the bullpen. He was over to Donna in half a second. 

“What the hell was that?” he demanded. 

“Oh, it’s all right.” Donna waved. “CJ said she could come over here. Apparently, no one in the press corps is going to print any kind of story about us.” 

“Their papers aren’t going to run it?” Josh asked skeptically. 

“Well, no. She said the gossip columns and editorials probably will, but none of the White House reporters are going to write about it.” Donna explained. 

“Really? I wonder what CJ had to give for that.” he said thoughtfully. 

“You.” Donna smirked. 

“I’m sorry?” he replied raising his eyebrows. 

“You have to sacrifice yourself to them for a press briefing.” 

“That’s totally not funny, Donna.” Josh said seeing right through her. 

“I thought it was.” She shrugged. 

“I feel kind of neglected now.” Josh said looking off in the direction of the press room. “I seriously was ready for a fight.” 

“I know you were.” she said patting his arm indulgently before returning to her desk. “I’m sure there will be plenty of editorials and television pundits for you to insult over it.” 

“Well, that’s something, I guess.” he sighed, looking back to her. “I will though, Donna.”   
She looked up at him for elaboration. “If they say something, I’ll go on t.v. and set them straight.” 

“I know you will.” she smiled. “Just try not to get fired over it.” 

“Tank my career for the woman I love? I’ll make People Magazine’s Most Interesting Person of the Year.” 

“True.” Donna nodded. “But that’s hardly worth it.” 

She looked up at him when she noticed him scratching his bicep as he read through something on her desk. 

“You’re STILL itchy?” 

“It’ll probably last for as long as I’m on this stuff.” he replied, not taking his eyes off the briefing memo. 

“You’re losing weight, too.” she noted pulling at the waist of his pants. 

“I’m not that broken up about it. I could stand to lose a few pounds.” he replied. 

“Not eating is the cheater’s way.” 

“Well, Donna, it’s not that I don’t want to eat, it’s that I have no appetite.” he replied. “What are you worried about anyway? You’re constantly sticking food in my face. I’m forcing it down.” 

“Yeah, but I guess it’s not enough.” 

“Donna,” Josh said finally looking at her. “I’ve gone through this before. My appetite will come back when the prescription is done.” 

“I know.” she sighed. “I just worry.” 

“Well, try as I might, there’s nothing I can do about that. I’ve tried to get you to stop worrying. I gave up on that years ago.” 

“I wonder if this will mean no Katie Couric.” Donna said returning to her computer. 

“I don’t know. Probably.” Josh shrugged scratching another part. 

“Stop that!” Donna said smacking him. 

“I can’t help it! It makes me crazy.” Josh whined. 

“I half expect you to start kicking your leg.” 

“You’re funny.” 

“Well, I’ll be appearing here all week.” she smirked. 

“Thank God for that.” he mumbled, closing the file in front of him. “You know what? Let’s get the hell out of here.” 

Donna looked up at him in surprise. “It’s 6:30.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Are you all right?” she frowned scrunching up her forehead. 

“Yeah.” he laughed. “If I wasn’t so freaking itchy, I’d be outstanding.” 

“So, you want to go and come back?” 

“No, Donna.” he said. “I want to leave for the entire evening, not to return until tomorrow.” 

He smiled at how utterly confused she looked right now. Leaving at 6:30 was just so unheard of for them that she couldn’t even process the information. 

“Donnatella, do you not remember me telling you, like, ten minutes ago that I wanted to marry you?” Josh asked pointing to his office for emphasis. 

“Well, yeah.” 

“Well, I just kind of feel like we should, I don’t know, go do something nice. Dinner or something.” he shrugged. 

She tilted her head and smiled up at him adoringly. He was so adorably in uncharted territory right now. “Joshua, are you asking me out on a date?” 

“Well, all we’ve had was a lot of sex and therapists. We haven’t even gone anywhere. Don’t you think we should date?” 

“Date?” she laughed. 

“Yeah! What’s so funny?” 

“Joshua, what’s my favorite movie?” 

“Breakfast at Tiffany’s.” 

“Where was a I born?” 

“Madison, Wisconsin.” 

“What are my parents’ names?” 

“Mr. and Mrs. Moss.” 

“Josh.” 

“Bob and Lynn.” 

“Do I talk in my sleep?” 

“Unfortunately, no.” 

“What’s my greatest fear?” 

He paused for a minute before finally answering softly, “Losing me.” 

“Do YOU think we need to date?” she replied smiling coyly. 

“So, I get out of actually having to take you anyplace?” he smirked. 

“Oh, no. Dinner at 1789 sounds very romantic to me.” she nodded powering down her computer. 

“1789? I don’t remember mentioning anything about 1789.” 

“I’ve never been there, Josh. I’ve always wanted you to take me there.” 

“All right.” he agreed. “Let me grab my stuff.” 

He disappeared into his office as she cleaned up for the night and grabbed her tote bag, slinging it over her shoulder. He reappeared a minute later and they left the bullpen together. 

Donna just adored the restaurant. It was so quaint and so romantic. It was over in Georgetown, which was convenient for them, but off the beaten path for anyone looking for a power dinner or anything like that. It had more of a romantic atmosphere to it. Josh said he had never actually been there before. Mandy and Amy always preferred to dine at high profile places where they could be seen. 1789 wasn’t like that, and that was precisely why Donna thought that this was about to become her new favorite restaurant. While they were seated at their table, she noticed that Josh never scanned the room, not once. And they were seated in the perfect spot for him to do that, in the corner of one of the dining rooms by the fireplace. 

When dinner was done, they were close enough to his place to walk home. It wasn’t too warm out yet and it was just starting to get dark. It was nice to walk along the streets of Georgetown, hand in hand, and not have to talk. 

The whole evening was laid back. They’d talked, went to bed, made love, and fell asleep early. But, sometime in the early morning, Donna awoke to find herself alone in bed. She pulled some clothes on and went off in search of Josh. She found him in the corner of the apartment sitting in the window seat with his back up against the wall, looking out across the city, or as much of it as he could see from his apartment anyway. 

“Josh?” she asked softly, slowly approaching him. He had changed into flannel pants and a t-shirt. He looked over at her and smiled, opening his arms to her in invitation to join him. She sat on the cushioned bench between his legs and settled back against his chest. “What are you doing out here?” 

“I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep.” he shrugged. 

“How long have you been out here?” 

“About an hour. Sometimes it’s nice to sit here. I don’t do it all that often.” 

“I used to do it all the time.” she admitted. “When I stayed with you, sometimes after you fell asleep, if I couldn’t sleep, I’d come over here and sit here and just look at the city.” 

“I know.” 

“You do?” 

“Yeah, it smelled like you for a while.” He said smiling, though she wasn’t facing him to see it. “It was comforting after you left. If I had a nightmare and you weren’t here anymore, I’d come sit here and sometimes I could smell you. It was nice.” He brought his arms around the threaded his fingers with hers. Romeo quietly hopped up and settled down at their feet. 

“Ah, not hiding now, are you, cat?” Josh hissed at the cat. 

“I think he’s getting used to you.” Donna smiled. 

“You know, you can bring more than just him, Donna.” Josh said after a pause. 

“What do you mean?” 

“I wouldn’t mind if you brought more stuff over.” 

“Like, what stuff?” 

“Like, all your stuff?” 

She sat up and turned to face him. “All my stuff?” He nodded in response. “You’re asking me to move in with you?” 

“Yeah, I guess I am.” 

“This is a big day for you, isn’t it?” she chuckled. 

“For us.” he countered. “And is that a yes?” 

“Of course.” she said softly leaning forward to kiss him. “I love you, Joshua.” 

“I love you, too.” 

She settled herself back against him, and he wrapped his arms firmly around her, and dropped his chin on her shoulder. 

“Look out there.” she said softly, pointing to the horizon. “The sun’s starting to come up.” 

“Yes,” he whispered against her ear. “It is.” 

THE END


End file.
